


The Way Home

by sakuranomi808



Category: Supernatural RPF, Walker (TV 2021)
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bottom Cordell Walker (Walker TV 2021), Bottoming from the Top, Coerced sex (past), Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Frottage, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Kissing, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Past Sexual Assault, Phone Sex, Slash, Top Jensen Ackles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:06:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28976346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakuranomi808/pseuds/sakuranomi808
Summary: Cordell is working undercover in south Texas and drowning his sorrows in booze when he meets an intriguing good Samaritan. Jensen is smart, kind and responsible and Cordell finds himself falling hard for him.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Cordell Walker
Comments: 66
Kudos: 57





	1. Never Been Worse

**Author's Note:**

> Explicit-ish starting at Chapter 3 / totally explicit in Chapter 4 and beyond. Huge thank you to DarlingFlyingFox for being just as invested as I was in these characters and the world we created for them <3 Fic now complete in 11 chapters.

No matter where he runs to, it’s always there inside him: a deep, aching emptiness that he tries his damnedest to fill with booze and bar fights and anything else that might dull the ache, even if just for a few moments. There are days when he can barely breathe anymore, like the weight of everything that’s happened is crushing him, squeezing the air from his lungs. Once upon a time, Cordell Walker was defined by all the different roles he played – husband, brother, father, ranger – and he wishes desperately that he could go back to the way things used to be. 

Cord sits at the bar for quite some time, staring at the colorful bottles lined up along crooked glass shelves until the warmth coursing through his veins makes them blur out of focus. He swallows the last of his whiskey and then fidgets with the empty tumbler, resisting the urge to throw it against the nearest wall just to watch it shatter into pieces. His eyes snap up at the sudden sensation of someone beside him and – despite alcohol-dulled senses – he drops his free hand to where he’s got a knife stashed in the back pocket of his jeans.

“Hey pal, you all right?” The man’s eyes are clear and bright, gold flecks dancing in pools of hazel green. He’s clearly harmless, not to mention completely out of place at this bar out in the middle of nowhere. He’s dressed much too well: dark jeans, expensive sneakers and a crisp button-down that he actually bothered to iron. “You just- you look like maybe you’ve had one too many.” 

Cordell hums thoughtfully and reaches over the bar to grab the nearly empty bottle he’s been nursing all night, then drains the last of its contents in one gulp. “There,” he says. “Now I’ve had one too many.” 

“Do you need a lift?” the do-gooder continues on, undeterred. “I’ve got a long drive home, but I can drop you off along the way.” 

“Home,” Cordell repeats dully. He’s been in Laredo for five months now, living out of a shitty motel and working at a shitty border patrol job on the off chance that he’ll get intel on the cartel that had just started operating there. He would give anything to go back in time and turn down the undercover job, but now that he's here -- and getting closer to the truth every day -- he knows deep down that he needs to finish what he started. 

“C’mon, cowboy,” the man says, tugging gently on Cordell’s arm to urge him off of his barstool. Cord stumbles a bit when the seat swivels and his feet touch the ground, the room tilting for a moment at the sudden movement. “I got’cha.” 

It isn’t until the world stops spinning and Cord meets the stranger’s eyes again that he realizes the man is nearly as tall as he is. He’s still got his hand curled tight around Cord’s arm and the other is pressed to his chest to hold him steady. He has the most genuine look of concern twisting his features but Cord can’t seem to tear his eyes away from the smattering of freckles on the bridge of his nose and on his cheeks. His bow-shaped lips are perfectly pink, albeit a little chapped, and there's a tiny freckle just below the bottom one. 

“I’m Jensen, by the way,” the man says.

"Cordell," Cord mumbles. By all accounts, he absolutely should not trust this stranger, but he does anyway. It's a small thing, but finally telling someone his real name after all this time is terrifying and exhilarating both. 

"You ready to go?" 

Cordell finds himself nodding and going willingly when Jensen slides a strong arm across his back and under his armpit, and nearly carries him across the bar and toward the door. He feels like his legs are moving in slow motion, but at least the room isn’t upside-down anymore. The chilly night air slaps him across the face when they step outside, but Cord is still just as drunk as he was a minute ago. 

“I’m parked right back there,” Jensen says, nodding toward the open lot at the other end of the alley behind the bar. “You’re not like a serial killer or anything, are you?” he asks as they slowly make their way through the narrow, dimly-lit alley together. 

Cordell laughs out loud and shakes his head. “Nope. You?”

“If I was, would I be giving a stranger a ride home from-” Jensen stops abruptly, a soft chuckle escaping his lips, eyes crinkling at the corners. “You know what, never mind. No, I’m not. Just an idiot trying to do the right thing, I guess.” 

They make it about halfway down the alley when Cord has to stop, steadying himself with his hand pressed to the wall as a wave of dizziness grips at him. He instinctively shuts his eyes and turns to rest his forehead against the cold bricks, tears inexplicably burning behind his eyelids. He jerks slightly at the sensation of Jensen’s hand, warm and steady between his shoulder blades. He’s not doing anything really, just resting it there, but the meaning behind the kind gesture still hits harder than Cord was expecting it to. 

Cordell turns and smiles sadly as a couple of tears manage to escape his eyes despite his best effort to stop them. “Sorry. I’m good,” he adds shakily. 

“Are you, though?” Jensen half-asks. He’s got that look in his eyes again, his forehead creased with worry and his lips pulled down into a slight pout. Cord hasn't the slightest idea what's going through this man’s head, but the one thing that isn’t reflected back at him in those bottle-green eyes is pity, and for that, Cord is grateful. 

“No,” Cord scoffs. “Actually, I've never been worse. But it’s a story for another time. Tonight I just need to sleep it off.” 

Jensen forces a smile and pats him gently on his chest before the two of them continue on in silence toward the parking lot. He remains silent as Cord pulls himself up into the passenger seat of the dark SUV and closes his eyes, grateful for the blanket of night as Jensen starts the car and pulls out onto the road. 

“I’m just a couple miles up the interstate,” Cordell says. “The Motel 6.” 

It’s obvious Jensen has about a million questions in response to that statement, but he remains quiet as they continue down the long, dark stretch of highway and toward the motel that Cord has called home for the last several months. Cord is about to get out of the car, a sincere thank you on the tip of his tongue, when Jensen kills the engine and gets out. He circles around to the passenger side, leaning casually against the door as Cordell steps out of the car as well.

“I can take it from here,” Cordell tells him. He’s a little dizzy again, and thirstier than he’s ever been in his entire life, but he’s like ninety-percent sure that he’ll be able to make it up the stairs and into his room before passing out.

“I’m not so sure about that,” Jensen replies evenly. “Let me just help you get to your room. And then I’ll get outta your hair. Deal?”

“Yeah, okay. Deal.” 

They remain silent as they trudge up the stairs together; thankfully they make it there without incident. Jensen keeps his hand resting lightly on Cordell’s shoulder the entire time, and he can’t help leaning in closer, chasing after that strong, steady warmth that Jensen so easily exudes. It’s the first time in months that anyone has so much as given two shits about him, which says something about the current state of Cord’s life that he’d rather not dwell on. 

Cord sinks down heavily on the edge of the bed and kicks off his boots before flopping down sideways onto the rumpled sheets. He’s so tired, suddenly absolutely exhausted, like he hasn’t properly slept in days. He’s only vaguely aware of Jensen moving around the motel room, going into the bathroom and returning a few moments later with a glass of water. 

“Can I ask you something?” Cordell says softly before sitting up and taking a long drink. “Why are you doin’ this for me? You don’t know me from Adam.” 

“Honestly?” Jensen sighs. “I don’t know. Maybe I just hope someone would do the same for me if I ever needed it.” 

A laugh harsher than he’d intended tears from Cordell’s throat. “Karma? If I believed in that, my life would be about a thousand times more fucked up than it already is.” He sets the glass down on the nightstand and flops back down onto the bed again, his eyes falling shut almost against his will. “Thank you, though. Whatever the reason, I appreciate you helping me out.” 

“Get some sleep, Cordell,” Jensen says. “I’ll see myself out.” 

His voice sounds distant and muffled, like he’s underwater, but Cord likes the way that his name sounds on Jensen’s lips. It’s the last thing he remembers thinking before falling into a deep but fitful sleep.


	2. Just Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordell and Jensen get to know each other and realize they have something in common.

When Cordell opens his bleary eyes, a water-stained ceiling and faded wallpaper slowly slide into focus.

He doesn't recall the pain of losing her, forgets the searing hot tears that sprang to his eyes at the realization that she was gone and there wasn’t a damned thing he could do about it. He's numb all over, groggy and confused, before it all comes violently rushing back at him – the fear, the agony, the guilt and devastation. 

Doesn't matter when he slams his eyes shut again, it's still there.

He keeps his eyes closed and draws in a deep breath, then slowly begins to count as he exhales. By the time he gets to ten, he draws in another breath and repeats this over again, and then once again for good measure. By the fifth go-around, his thundering heartbeat has returned back to normal. 

Cord nearly jumps out of his skin when he blinks his eyes open again and realizes he’s not alone. 

A split second later, the memory of the previous night comes rushing at him and he sucks in a startled breath at his own sheer stupidity -- of letting a stranger drive him back here, letting him into his room, allowing him to stay the night. Memories gradually fall into place like puzzle pieces and he realizes that he trusted this man for some reason that he simply doesn’t understand. 

Jensen is still asleep, sprawled somewhat awkwardly on the loveseat a few feet away. He’s got one arm curled under his head, one bare foot planted on the ground and the other long leg hanging over the opposite arm of the sofa. He looks peaceful though, his forehead smooth and worry-free, those pink lips parted slightly and his long fringe of lashes fluttering high on his cheeks. The five o’clock shadow he was sporting last night is on its way to a full fledged beard by now, and Cordell finds himself wondering if that chestnut-colored stubble is as scratchy as it looks. 

Before that particular train of thought can make it out of the station, Jensen’s eyes blink open and immediately lift up to meet Cordell’s gaze. 

“H- hey,” Cord stammers. “Good morning.” 

Jensen remains silent but a small smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. “Were you watching me sleep just now?” 

It’s on the tip of his tongue to deny it but Cord just shakes his head as warmth colors his cheeks. “Yes. Yes, I was.” 

“Kinda getting serial killer vibes off’a you right now, I gotta say.” Jensen sits up and stretches, then reaches up to run his fingers through his tousled hair. 

“Hilarious,” Cordell scoffs. “By the way, I don’t remember asking you to stay over last night.” 

“You remember much of anything?”

Cord untangles himself from the bed sheets around his legs. “Bits and pieces,” he admits. 

"You didn't ask," Jensen tells him. "I was just too tired to drive and I figured you wouldn't mind." 

“Thanks for- for everything. For not murdering me in my sleep, especially.” 

Jensen chuckles and scrubs his hands over his face. “Don’t make me laugh, I’m about to burst. Mind if I use your restroom?” 

“All yours,” Cordell says, gesturing toward the tiny bathroom. He tries not to be too obvious, but he can’t help watching Jensen as he crosses the room. He’s surprisingly graceful and self-assured for someone so tall. Sometimes Cordell feels like he’s all arms and legs, never fully left behind that klutzy growth-spurt phase he went through in high school. But Jensen exudes quiet confidence in a way that Cordell is almost envious of. 

If he’s going to be completely honest with himself, he’s maybe sort of attracted to Jensen? But that thought and all of its implications are terrifying, and like the million other things on the disaster of an agenda that is his life, Cord squashes the notion into a tiny ball and pushes it down as far as it’ll go into his conscious mind. He’s still sitting on the edge of the bed, absently toying with a loose thread on the comforter, when Jensen comes out of the bathroom looking much too well put-together for someone who just spent all night sleeping on a lumpy, too-small sofa. 

“I’m gonna grab a few things from the car,” Jensen says. “Don’t go anywhere?” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Cordell replies as he makes his way into the bathroom and shuts the door. 

It’s a bit difficult, but he manages to start emptying his bladder despite the fact that he’s got the worst case of morning wood he’s had in recent history. Nothing to do with Jensen though, absolutely nothing at all. That’s what Cord tells himself anyway as he leans awkwardly over the toilet and does his best not to completely trash the place. The walls are paper thin and he very clearly hears Jensen come back into the room a minute later, which doesn’t help matters.

“I’m starving,” Jensen calls through the closed door. “Is there anywhere we can grab a bite around here?”

Cordell blows out a shaky breath, trying to use sheer willpower alone to get rid of his erection. “Yeah. There’s a strip mall a block away. You up for a walk?” 

“Sure,” Jensen replies. “It’s a really nice day out. I’ve never been this far down South before. I kinda like it.” 

Somehow Cordell manages to finish up, hoping like hell that he can somehow figure out how to disassociate the sound of Jensen’s voice with the hard, throbbing flesh in his hand. He finishes washing up and brushing his teeth as quickly as possible, and by the time he’s done changing his clothes, he has successfully gotten most of the blood cells in his body to return to their rightful homes. Giving himself one last glance in the mirror, Cordell returns to the bedroom and stops abruptly when he sees that Jensen is in the middle of changing his clothes as well. 

“Shit,” Cord blurts out. “Sorry. I’ll- uh…” 

It wasn't obvious before, but Jensen is all strong, sinewy muscle and a perfectly flat, toned stomach, not to mention an ass that you could literally bounce a quarter off of. And it turns out those sand-colored freckles Cordell couldn't stop looking at last night aren't just on his face. Jensen just shrugs as he finishes pulling on his jeans, then grabs a polo shirt from his duffel and slips it over his head and on. 

“Ready?” he asks casually. 

They walk in silence for a few moments as Cordell's mind wanders back to the previous night, grasping at memories of what all he said and did. He feels vaguely embarrassed, which wouldn't be the first time it happened while he was drinking, but he doesn't know exactly why. The warmth of the sun feels nice on his skin though, and for the first time in a long while, he feels like he isn’t just going through the motions. 

"You were a lot better at small talk when you were plastered," Jensen remarks. 

Cordell laughs and shakes his head. "I'm afraid sober me is pretty boring.” 

"I don't know about that. You've really got the whole mysterious stranger thing goin’ for you," Jensen grins. 

It would probably be terribly presumptuous to think so, but Cordell could swear that Jensen was flirting with him. "You got questions? I can't really talk about my job but other than that - fire away." 

Jensen doesn't waste any time; it’s almost as though he was waiting for permission to ask. "Why're you living in a motel? Wife kick you out? Catch you screwing the babysitter?" 

Cordell huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. "Not even close. What makes you think I have a wife?" 

"I'm sorry. I saw your wedding ring on the counter in the bathroom," Jensen admits. 

Cord chews on his lip for a moment as they reach the end of the block and have to wait for the traffic light to change. "I had a wife," he says evenly. "She died a few months ago." 

When he casts a quick sideward glance in Jensen's direction, he can't quite read the look on the man's face. "Jesus. I'm so sorry," Jensen says. 

"It's all right," replies Cord hurriedly. "You couldn't have known." 

"Well, I’m sorry I brought it up," Jensen says. He reaches up and gives Cordell's shoulder a gentle squeeze before they start to cross the street. "Turns out I suck at small talk too, huh?" he tries to joke. 

They end up at a little breakfast place hidden away in the corner of the strip mall. There are less than a dozen tables and booths and most of them are empty. Cordell's stomach rumbles loudly at the delicious smell of bacon, coffee and hash browns as soon as they step inside. It's only when he glances up at the clock that he realizes it's lunchtime already.

“What about you?” Cordell asks as they slide into a booth near the back. “You said you’re not from around here, right?”

“I’m not,” Jensen replies. He smiles politely and nods when the waitress stops by with a pot of coffee to fill their cups. “I’m just in town for a couple of meetings. I have another one in Corpus Christi tomorrow, and then it’s back home for me.” 

“And home is…?”

“Austin,” Jensen says absently as he stirs a bit of cream into his coffee. Cordell blinks hard, wondering how on earth he managed to run into someone from his hometown two hundred miles away from said hometown.

“You’re kidding me,” Cord grins. “Austin is where I hang my hat, too. I’ve been here on work for what was supposed to be a month. Now goin’ on six months.” 

“Man, I could not stand being away from home for that long,” Jensen muses. “I make these trips every once in a while, maybe stay in a hotel one or two nights, but I always can’t wait to get back home to my own bed.” 

“It’s been pretty rough,” Cordell agrees. “But I mean, it’s work, so.” 

“You work for the CIA or somethin’?” Jensen smirks. 

“No, nothing like that,” Cordell laughs. “Special assignment, exact timeframe ‘to be determined’.” It’s a vague half-truth, but close enough to reality that it won’t raise any suspicions or beg any further questions. 

They fall silent as the waitress brings their food to the table and they both dig in. After a few moments, Cordell realizes that Jensen is sort of watching him out of the corner of his eye. Or maybe he’s totally imagining things and just wishes that Jensen was more interested than he actually was. 

“I wouldn’t be able to eat for days if I drank as much as you did last night,” Jensen finally says. “I don’t know whether to be horrified or impressed that you aren’t hung over at all.” 

“Yeah well, not my first rodeo,” Cord says wryly. “Probably not my last, either. Maybe it’s a sign that I’ve been doin’ this too often for too long. But enough about the disaster that is my life. What do you do for work, Jensen?”

“My family owns a brewery,” Jensen replies, his face lighting up. Cordell unconsciously leans in, wanting to get a closer look at those sparkling hazel-green eyes. “My dad started it up with a buddy when they first got out of the service, but my brother and I have been running it mostly on our own since he retired a couple of years ago.” 

“That sounds awesome,” says Cordell earnestly. “You like what you do?” 

“I do. I love it,” Jensen smiles. “We’ve been trying to branch out- distribute to a larger area. Maybe even outside of Texas someday.” 

“You have a uh- a family of your own?” Cord asks. He almost immediately regrets asking though, considering how sudden and awkward the question was. 

“Nope,” Jensen replies. “Guess I just never met the right person. It’s not for lack of trying though.” 

Cordell turns his attention back to his plate, but his mind is suddenly working at about a hundred miles a minute. He’s just stuck on the fact that Jensen chose to use such a non-specific word when he very easily could have said “never met the right girl”. It’s ridiculous though -- even thinking that it matters -- when Cordell is absolutely not into Jensen, not at all. 

“Emily and I were together for fifteen years,” Cordell says, not quite realizing that he’d even started talking. Apparently talking about her was the instinctive gut-reaction to proving how not-into-guys he really was. “A buddy of mine set us up on a blind date when I got home from serving overseas.” 

“Love at first sight?”

“Something like that,” Cordell chuckles. “She got pregnant four months after we met. We got married two weeks later.” 

“You have a kid,” Jensen raises his eyebrows, unable to hide his surprise. 

“Kids. A girl and a boy.” Cordell forces a smile, his heart twisting painfully at the mention of his children, who he hasn’t seen in months. 

“You get to see them?” 

“No. It’s because of my job- I- I can’t,” Cordell stammers, unable to fully explain his reasoning without giving away too much of the truth. 

Jensen takes a long drink from his cup of coffee, but he doesn’t say anything, just tilts his head slightly and keeps his eyes trained on Cordell’s face. When Cord finally looks up again, their eyes meet and Jensen holds his gaze steady for a few long moments. 

“Can I give you some unsolicited advice?” Jensen finally asks.

“Sure, why not,” Cord smiles sadly. 

“Try not to be so hard on yourself. You’ve been through a lot… and I’ll bet no one’s expecting you to just somehow be okay. Especially not your kids.” 

“It’s… I feel like it’s my fault,” Cordell admits. “It doesn’t make any sense, I know that. But it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. I’ve been driving myself crazy chasing after the truth about what really happened, but all I come up with are more questions that no one has the answers to.”

“Getting blackout drunk isn’t gonna make you feel better,” Jensen says flatly. “I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but you know I’m right.” 

“Says the guy who literally makes and sells alcohol for a living,” Cordell shoots back.

“Touché,” says Jensen. “But-”

“No, I know,” Cord sighs. “You’re right. Thank you for… I don’t know- for caring, I guess is what I’m tryin’ to say.” 

It’s a strange thing -- and more than a little cliche -- but it feels like he and Jensen have known each other much longer than a few hours. They both finish their meals and continue talking about anything and everything under the sun until their waitress comes by to tell them that the restaurant is about to close for the day. Jensen looks at what appears to be a very expensive watch on his wrist and chuckles, shaking his head at the realization that they’ve been sitting there together for hours as other patrons came and went. 

They make their way back to the motel in comfortable silence, both of them seemingly deep in thought. Cordell is mostly just wondering how he can ask Jensen for his number without seeming like a complete weirdo. He still doesn’t entirely understand what he’s feeling, or what he wants out of this relationship, but he knows for certain that he wants to see Jensen again. The last few months have been overshadowed by an aching loneliness that Cordell inflicted upon himself, and he never wants to have to experience it again. 

“I should probably head out,” Jensen says once they get back to the room. “I was hoping to make it there before dark so I can get a good night’s sleep, get ready for that meeting first thing tomorrow.” 

It's a stupid, impulsive move but Cord only tries to talk himself out of it for a split second before he surges forward and presses a slightly off-center kiss to Jensen's lips. He tastes like cinnamon and honey and his lips are so much softer and warmer than Cordell expected them to be. It feels just about as right as it does wrong, but Cord is honestly relieved to feel anything at all. Jensen sucks in a startled gasp, and Cord isn’t entirely surprised when the other man pulls away, extracting himself from Cordell’s grasp and taking a step back. 

“I- I wasn’t- I-,” Jensen stammers, flustered for the first time since Cordell met him. “I didn’t- I have to say, I did I not see that coming.” He laughs nervously, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, I think I just forgot how to talk for a second.” 

They’re standing on opposite sides of the doorway, and Cord thinks that maybe Jensen will open the door and make a run for it which would probably be for the best since it would save them both a ton of embarrassment. But instead, Jensen steps forward, closing the distance between them. Cordell’s heart is hammering so hard against his ribcage that surely Jensen can feel it as he pulls him close and reaches up to slide his palm over Cordell’s cheek, his thumb just barely brushing over Cord’s bottom lip. 

The next time their mouths meet, it’s just a whisper-soft slide of lips pressing gently together that still sends a rush of arousal coursing under every inch of Cordell’s skin. He can’t help moaning softly and pushing for more, eagerly parting his lips when Jensen teases this tongue along the seam of them. Cord’s arms instinctively curl around Jensen’s back, holding him close as Jensen’s free hand scrambles up to clutch at the nape of his neck. 

Cordell is so aroused that he can barely remember his own name, has to remind himself to keep breathing as the kiss naturally deepens and the brush of Jensen’s stubbled jaw against his face sends a tremor of pleasure racing down his spine. He ventures to slide one hand a bit lower, pulling on Jensen’s waist, urging him forward until their hips slot naturally together. Jensen moans against his mouth when he realizes how hard Cordell is, then thrusts his own hips forward, letting Cord know how turned on he is, too. When their lips finally part, they’re both breathing a little ragged and their bodies are still pressed together from shoulders to hips, but neither of them makes a move to pull away. 

“I’ve been wanting to do that all day,” Jensen smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners.

“Will you- I mean, would you stay over?” Cordell says quietly. “I’m asking you this time. Conscious and everything.” 

Jensen exhales slowly and then licks his lips, chewing on the bottom one for a second. “I want to,” he says finally. “Believe me, I really want to, but you… Cordell, your life is…” 

“A disaster,” Cordell half-asks. 

“I was gonna say ‘complicated’,” Jensen replies carefully. Cordell nods, casting his eyes downward, unconsciously bracing himself for rejection. “I like you a lot,” Jensen continues on. “But I don’t wanna be just another complication on your list.” 

“Then what do you want?” 

“I don’t know,” Jensen sighs. “Maybe just… to see where things go? Without jumping in head first, eyes closed. Do you think we can do that?” 

Cordell exhales shakily and nods, finally raising his eyes to meet Jensen’s steady gaze once again. “Yeah. Yes, I’d like that.” 

He grins when Jensen puts enough space between them to pull his phone out of his pocket and hand it over. Cordell quickly puts his number into Jensen’s contacts and then forces a smile as Jensen crosses the room to grab his duffel bag. Cordell isn’t entirely sure what he’s expecting, but the smile on his lips is genuine when Jensen pushes himself up onto his tiptoes and pulls him into a hug. 

“I’ll call you,” Jensen says, then slips quietly out the door.


	3. Follow Me Into My Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The uncertainty of how things left off is weighing on both of their minds. Jensen finally reaches out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes us into Explicit territory / rating of the overall fic has been adjusted accordingly.

It’s been four days -- four days of waking up alone, putting on a uniform and a persona that aren’t his own, and going to a job that he hates, where he absolutely cannot trust anyone. 

That day, Cordell overhears some of the guys in the break room talking about one of the big cartel players in the area, a guy known only as El Gris. It’s just rumors and conjecture, more of the same useless intel that he’s gotten over the last few months, but he still does his due diligence when he gets back to the motel that night. After almost an hour of research, including combing through the FBI’s criminal database, Cord is almost certain he’s found the guy’s real name. He opens up his encrypted email and sends a summary of his findings to his boss, then pauses before logging off for the night. 

Obviously, using the systems that he has access to in order to find out more about Jensen would be a terrible idea, but that doesn’t stop him from considering the idea for a lot longer than he should. Finally, he slams his laptop shut a bit too forcefully and pulls out his phone, staring ruefully at the screen with zero notifications on it. 

He’s gone over that day in his head dozens of times, thinking about everything they talked about, everything Jensen said and did. But Cordell cannot for the life of him figure out why he didn’t ask for Jensen’s number. Maybe he’d just been too caught off guard that Jensen had actually kissed him back; too confused by the emotions pulling at him from every direction and the insane attraction for this total stranger that had completely taken him over. 

The thought does creep in that maybe Jensen had just felt sorry for him and this was his way of letting him down easy. But deep down, Cordell knows that Jensen couldn’t possibly have faked such sincere concern, not to mention the connection that they’d both felt once they got the chance to know each other better. Cord picks up his phone again and sighs. Maybe looking him up in the FBI database would be a bit much, but a completely harmless Google search wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. 

The first result that comes up has a photo of Jensen with his father and brother. It looks like they’re at the brewery, and when Cordell clicks into the link, he realizes that it’s an archived feature article that ran in one of Austin’s local newspapers a few years ago. He can’t help the smile that spreads across his face as he quickly reads through the article and sees a few quotes from Jensen and his family. His heart flips over in his chest when a text message notification pops up at the top of the screen. 

_Hey, it’s Jensen. Is this a good time?_

It’s not much, but Cordell knows he’s grinning like a fool as he quickly replies back: **Perfect, just got done with work. What’s up?**

His smile widens when the phone rings in his hand and he hurriedly picks up the call from a number that he is absolutely, definitely going to save as soon as he can. 

“Cordell,” Jensen says. “Hi.” 

“Hey, how are you?” Cord replies. He’s well aware that he’s trying way too hard to sound casual, like he wasn’t just staring at a photo of Jensen a minute ago, but hopefully it isn’t too obvious over the phone. 

“Good. Been busy with work.” 

“Yeah, me too.” 

There’s a pause that lasts just a beat too long, and Cordell is about to continue on, but before he can say anything, Jensen says, “I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner.” 

“It’s okay, I…” Cordell trails off. “It’s okay,” he repeats dumbly, even though that’s a total lie if he’s ever told one. “How’d your meeting go?” 

“Good. Really good, actually. I’ve been buried in paperwork these last few days, tryin’ to get everything squared away. Probably my least favorite part about this gig,” he adds. “How've you been?” 

Cordell licks his lips, trying but failing to find the right words. Instead, he just asks quietly, “When can I see you again?” 

“I wasn’t sure you’d want to,” Jensen replies. “See me again, I mean.” 

“What- I mean, why would you think that?” 

Jensen sighs softly, and Cordell can practically see him rubbing the back of his neck as he ponders his next words. “Look, there’s something you should know about me.” 

“Um. Okay,” Cord says. He’s bracing himself for the worst, and the startling thought occurs to him that he really doesn’t know Jensen very well at all. 

“I’m a serial overthinker. Like to a- an embarrassing degree. I will take a situation and analyze it over and over again ‘til the cows not just come home, but… like, go out to pasture… and get old.” 

Cordell can’t help the laugh that bubbles up from his throat. It’s mostly just relief that Jensen didn’t confess to some heinous thing, but also the fact that he used such a silly metaphor. 

“Hey, I’m pourin’ my heart out here,” Jensen says, but he’s chuckling too. 

“I’m sorry,” Cord replies, pressing his lips together to keep from laughing. “I’m listening.” 

“I just thought about it and…thought about it some more, and... I don’t know, I figured maybe you’d come to your senses once I was gone.” 

“That couldn’t be farther from the truth,” Cordell frowns. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, actually.” 

“Yeah?” Jensen asks softly. 

“I really would love to see you. Can you get away from work? Make the drive down here again?” 

“I could make it on Sunday night,” Jensen says, and Cord can’t seem to stop grinning. 

“That sounds great,” Cordell replies. “But only if you let me take you out to dinner -- a thank you for looking after me the other night. Deal?”

“All right, cowboy. You got yourself a deal,” Jensen smiles. 

The next couple of days go by in a blur, but Cordell is happier than he has been in as long as he can remember. It’s been so long that the emotion and all of its sensations are almost foreign to him, but he tries to enjoy it, tries to push down the guilt that still creeps up every so often.

The night before their date, he even dreams of Jensen: the two of them are sitting on a pier overlooking a beautiful, calm lake, bare feet dipped into cool water and the sun just starting to slip below the horizon. They aren’t saying anything, but Jensen’s arm is draped around his shoulder, and they’re sitting so close together that Cord can feel the heat from Jensen’s skin warming his own as the night air grows chilly around them. Jensen leans in close and presses a kiss to the soft skin below his ear and then whispers, “You belong to me.” 

Cordell’s eyes fly open and he sucks in a gasp as he pushes himself halfway upright in bed. It’s been a long fucking time since he even thought about his time in the Marines, but those words bring back memories that he’d kept locked away for almost twenty years. He wasn’t quite eighteen years old when he’d enlisted and it’s painfully obvious looking back now how naïve he’d been; so full of stupid, patriotic dreams and the ridiculous notion that he was going to make a difference 7,500 miles away from home. Cordell scrubs his hands over his face and unconsciously shakes his head, trying to reset his brain. He reaches over to grab his phone from the nightstand to check the time, and is surprised to see a text from Jensen that came in just a couple of minutes ago. 

_Ugh, can’t sleep. You still awake?_

Cordell pauses for just a moment before pulling his phone off the charger and replying back: **I am. Having some weird dreams tonight.**

_You ever wish you could shut your brain off? Just power it down for the night?_

Cordell laughs and rubs an eye with the back of his hand. **Well yeah, but you told me that drinking so much wasn’t good for me, remember?** He pauses for a moment then sends a smiley face for good measure. 

_Wanna talk?_

Cordell presses the call button without hesitation, and Jensen answers before the first ring is through. It’s not terribly late, just half past midnight, but there’s something oddly intimate about talking to Jensen like this, under the quiet cover of night. 

“Hey cowboy,” Jensen greets him. 

“You know, you’re the only one who calls me that,” Cordell chuckles. 

Jensen huffs out a laugh. “Yeah? Good.” 

“So what is it that you’re thinkin’ about tonight that you can’t sleep, serial thinker?” Cord asks as he flips over his pillow and settles back down in bed. 

Jensen hums thoughtfully and Cordell can hear a bit of background noise as maybe he’s also getting comfortable in bed. “Honestly? You. Thinkin’ about you.” 

“Oh,” Cordell says. Not the most intelligent thing he’s ever said for sure, but he wasn’t exactly expecting that level of up-front honesty. His heart flips over in his chest as he grasps for the right words but all of them get stuck in his throat. 

“I wish I’d stayed over when you asked me to,” Jensen admits. “I thought I was doing the right thing, but… Do you have any idea how much I wanted you? How much I still want you now?” 

“I think I’m starting to get it,” Cordell breathes. His heart is thundering in his ears, which is odd considering that most of the blood in his body isn’t anywhere near his head anymore. 

“I need you to tell me you understand,” Jensen quietly pleads. “That I didn’t fuck up my chance with you by leaving that night.” 

“You didn’t, Jensen,” Cord tells him. “I’m right here, and I’m- I’m all yours.” He bites back a quiet moan at the first touch of his hand on his cock, pleasure pooling at the base of his spine in response even though he’s still wearing his boxer-briefs. He closes his eyes and gives the hard flesh a good squeeze through the thin cotton fabric, his thumb instinctively coming up to slide through the spot of moisture already darkening the material just under the waistband.

“Tell me what you’re doing, babe,” Jensen murmurs. 

The endearment sends an almost-violent surge of arousal coursing through him. Emboldened, Cordell shoves at the waist of his briefs and curls his fist tight around his erection. “I’m so hard for you,” he says softly. “Leaking like crazy, thinking about your mouth on me, instead of just my hand.” 

“Wish I could taste it,” Jensen says, his voice sounding a bit strained. “Lick up all your pre-come and then swallow you down. So big, Cord. So fucking big all over.” 

Cordell swipes up some of the slippery liquid and smoothes it down over his throbbing flesh and begins to stroke in earnest. “Jensen,” he nearly whines. “Jen. God, fuck.” 

“I’d suck you till you come down my throat,” Jensen continues on. “Till you’re begging me to fuck you.” 

“I need it,” Cordell moans softly. "Need you." He cradles the phone against his shoulder and uses his other hand to cradle his balls, rolling them in his palm, pushing his fingers further back to tease against his clenched hole. “Give it to me, Jensen. Please.” 

“Oh God, Cordell,” Jensen moans. “I’m gonna come- I’m…” he trails off into the most gorgeous moan, and Cord wishes he could see him, slams his eyes shut even in the darkness to imagine what Jensen looks like right now -- miles of pale, freckled flesh spread out on his bed, fist wrapped tight around his huge, veiny cock as it shoots out over his stomach again and again. 

The image pushes Cordell over the edge as well and then he’s coming hard with a choked-off groan, splattering his own chest and stomach in streaks of sticky white as sparks of pleasure shoot up and down his spine. The tension in his body slowly drains, and Cord finally relaxes and lets the softening flesh slip from his hand a few moments later. His neck is kind of starting to hurt from the awkward angle in which he’s cradling the phone, but his hands are a hot mess. 

“Jensen, hang on a sec,” he says, letting the phone drop softly onto the mattress. He hurriedly grabs some tissues from the nightstand to clean himself up, and then picks up the phone again. “Hey, you still with me?” he asks, even though he can clearly hear Jensen breathing on the other end of the line. 

“Yeah,” Jensen sighs contentedly. “I’m still here.” 

“Think you’ll be able to get some sleep now?” Cordell gently teases. 

“Oh yeah, for sure,” Jensen chuckles. “Thanks, I guess?” 

“Any time,” Cord grins. “I uh- I meant what I said before. We’re good, alright? I understand why you did what you did. And for the record, I think you did the right thing.” 

“Thanks. Thank you, that means a lot,” Jensen says. “So um. We still on for tomorrow night?” 

“Absolutely,” Cordell replies. "Can't wait." 

"Good night, cowboy," says Jensen fondly. "I'll see you tomorrow."


	4. Crazy for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordell takes Jensen's advice to heart while looking forward to their date.

Cordell wakes the next morning feeling rested and refreshed for the first time in months. 

After he and Jensen had talked, he’d fallen easily back to sleep and thankfully spent the rest of the night in a peaceful, dreamless slumber. 

It’s still early -- not even eight o'clock yet -- and he’s kicking himself for not asking Jensen if he could come over any earlier. But Jensen is probably busy with work, Cordell reminds himself. Not to mention the fact that Jensen is making the drive all the way down to the border to see him, so Cord is not exactly in a position to be making demands. 

A quick glance out the motel room window tells him that it’s a beautiful, sunny day. 

He’s spent so much time here in town being miserable and lonely, doing basically nothing but alternating between working and sleeping, with the occasional drunken evening thrown in for good measure whenever things became too much. It almost feels as though this thing -- this… whatever it is -- between him and Jensen has made him realize that there’s a world out there that he’s been hiding from unconsciously. 

Cordell only hesitates for a moment before rummaging in the closet for his running shoes. They’re exactly where he left them when he first unpacked his things several months ago, and it feels good to put them on again, even better to pound the pavement when he gets outside and starts to run. He’s a bit out of shape but still manages to jog a couple of miles before having to slow down. He really has no destination in mind but ends up in a nearby suburb filled with long, tree-lined streets and cozy little single-level houses. 

Cordell spends the rest of the morning exploring the nearby neighborhoods, and letting his mind wander just as aimlessly. He stops at a mostly deserted park for a drink from the water fountain and finds a bench to sit on and relax for a few peaceful minutes. He’d honestly forgotten how much of a difference fresh air and sunshine could make to his overall mood. It’s a simple, almost obvious thing, but he feels like he owes it to Jensen for breaking him out of the self-imposed prison he’d been locked in. 

Cordell’s heart flips in his chest at the mere thought of Jensen. Yes, he’s well aware that he’s a grown-ass man, but that doesn’t stop him from feeling downright giddy in anticipation of seeing him again tonight. He has to fight back the grin that’s threatening to spread across his face as he rises and starts to head back to the motel. The mid-day sun is really beginning to beat down, and Cordell is absolutely drenched in sweat by the time he gets back to his room.

Turning the air conditioning on as high as it’ll go, he quickly kicks off his shoes, sheds his sweats and t-shirt and steps into the bathroom for a quick shower. He’s done a few minutes later and has just grabbed a towel to dry off when he hears knocking at the door. He’s afraid to hope that Jensen might be early, and has mostly convinced himself he’s imagining things when he hears the knock again. Hurriedly drying off and pulling on a pair of boxer-briefs, Cordell crosses the room and pulls the door open, not quite knowing what to expect. 

A smile spreads across his face when he sees Jensen standing there with the most adorably wide-eyed look on his face. “I uh- I was gonna say ‘surprise’,” Jensen stammers. “But- damn, you win.” 

Cordell chuckles and pulls the door open further, gesturing for Jensen to come in. “Hey,” he grins, suddenly embarrassed that he actually answered the door practically naked. He awkwardly pulls at the towel draped over his shoulders, as though the thread-bare terry cloth will make any difference at all. “You’re early.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jensen says earnestly. “Seemed like a good idea at the time. Do you want me to- uh-” he gestures vaguely behind him at the door. 

“What? No, of course not. I’m really glad to see you.” 

It happens so quickly that it punches the air from Cordell’s lungs in the best way possible – Jensen’s arms wrapped so tightly around him, bodies slotted perfectly together. He’s never met anyone else who hugs as fiercely and passionately as Jensen does, and doubts that he ever will. He closes his eyes and nudges his nose into the soft, sun-kissed hair at the nape of Jensen’s neck and just breathes, letting an inexplicable familiarity soothe him as Jensen hugs him tighter still.

“I couldn’t wait to see you,” Jensen murmurs against his ear. “Is that crazy? That sounds so crazy. I’ll think I’ll stop talking now.” 

Cordell huffs out a quiet laugh and pulls away just enough to meet Jensen’s gaze. “It’s not crazy,” he says simply. 

Jensen slides one hand up to cradle Cordell’s cheek, thumb brushing gently across his cheekbone, then sweeping down to rest at the corner of his mouth. Cord moans softly when their lips come together, the grainy stubble on Jensen’s chin rough against his own, sending tremors of pleasure blooming under his skin. His breath hitches in his throat at the unexpected surge of sensation and emotion, bottled up for so long and finally bursting free. He steps them both back toward the bed and shoves his hands down between them, suddenly frantic to get Jensen’s clothes off. He stumbles when his legs bump into the corner of the mattress but Jensen catches him around the waist to steady them both.

Cordell presses his lips to Jensen’s again as he pops open the button on his jeans and drags the zipper down. Jensen is an amazing kisser, teasing his tongue along Cordell’s lips, his teeth, thrusting between his lips to try and coax his tongue out. They kiss like this for a few more blissful moments, tongues tangling as their hands roam over one another’s bodies. Jensen pushes his jeans down and kicks them off, putting enough space between them to whip his t-shirt up and off, then pulls Cordell close again. 

Cord goes willingly when Jensen pushes on his shoulders, urging him to sit at the edge of the bed before sinking to his knees in front of him. His heart is pounding so hard that he can barely breathe anymore, can feel his whole body trembling as Jensen gently slips his fingers under the waist of his briefs. He raises his eyes to meet Cordell’s gaze in silent question, as if there's any possibility that Cord would actually turn him down. Still, Cordell gives him a small nod and a smile, and finds a bit of solace in the fact that Jensen’s hands are also shaking a little as he helps Cord push his underwear down and off. 

He’s painfully hard already, but his cock still twitches and jerks when Jensen circles his tongue over the tip, licking around the swollen crown before sliding across the leaking slit. His eyelids fall shut as Jensen sinks down further, swallowing the length of Cordell’s stiff flesh before pulling up again and settling into a steady rhythm. He’s absolutely beautiful like this, with the soft fringe of his lashes fluttering over his cheeks and his plump lips stretched wide around Cord’s blood-thick shaft, as he works it wetly in and out of his mouth. 

Cordell hears himself saying Jensen’s name as though he’s having an out-of-body experience. It takes about every ounce of self-restraint in him, but he gently squeezes Jensen’s shoulder when he doesn’t seem to hear him. “Jensen,” he repeats. When Jensen pulls away, his lips are bitten-pink and shiny and he tilts his head curiously. “I- I wanna see you, too,” Cordell explains. 

Jensen hums thoughtfully, rising gracefully to his feet and catching Cordell’s eye as he pushes his own sinfully tight black boxer-briefs down past his hips and off. His erection springs free and Cordell has to bite back a moan at the sight of Jensen, nude and seemingly not even a bit self-conscious. He’d seen him mostly naked that morning after they’d first met and had certainly spent enough time letting his imagination fill in the blanks, but nothing had prepared him for actually seeing Jensen like this in person. 

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” Cordell blurts out. “You’re gorgeous.” 

Jensen chuckles softly and drags his fingertips along the underside of his stiff shaft before giving it a good squeeze. “Look who’s talking, cowboy.” 

He steps closer, exhaling shakily as Cordell slides his hands over Jensen’s hips and then further back to palm over the firm globes of his ass, coaxing him closer still. It’s been a long damned time but somehow it comes naturally when Cordell grabs a gentle hold of Jensen’s stiff length and licks a slow, broad stripe all the way along the underside and up to the tip, where he sucks the dark, swollen head between his lips. Cordell lifts his eyes and holds Jensen’s gaze steady as he sinks a bit lower, sucking the throbbing flesh into his mouth inch by inch. He can’t quite take down all of it, so he wraps his hand tight around the base and pulls up, using his hand in tandem with his mouth. 

“Oh God,” Jensen murmurs. “Cordell, your mouth feels amazing.” His body is still trembling a little, but his hand is steady as he threads his fingers through Cord’s hair, fingertips gentle and reverent as he trails them down to the nape of his neck. “You gotta stop, though. I’m too close…” 

Jensen moans so beautifully when Cordell can’t resist licking up one last shiny bead of pre-come, already hopelessly addicted to the tangy-sweet flavor and Jensen’s masculine, heady scent filling his senses. Finally pulling away, Cordell lies on the bed, settling comfortably against the pillows as Jensen crawls up the length of the mattress and gently blankets Cordell’s body with his own. The weight and warmth is mostly comforting, but Cordell still finds himself curling his arms around Jensen’s back and urging Jensen onto his side instead. They both end up on their sides facing one another, and Cordell smiles as he scoots a bit closer and slides one leg between Jensen’s, lining their hips up perfectly. He groans softly at the sensation of Jensen’s cock against his own, the flesh hard and sticky where it’s pressed against him. 

It’s incredibly intimate just lying here together, with Jensen’s soft, warm breaths flowing over Cordell’s lips with every exhale. Cordell licks his own lips and raises his eyes, and is startled to find Jensen quietly studying his face, staring into his eyes like he’s afraid he’ll disappear if he looks away. It makes him feel suddenly vulnerable, laid bare like never before; and it startles him down to his core when he realizes he’s hoping Jensen never stops looking at him this way. 

Their lips slide together again easily, instinctively, like they’ve been doing this for years. Jensen catches Cordell’s wrist and then guides his arm down between them, to where their erections are nestled together in the non-existent space between them, both of them hard and aching. Cord moans in agreement as Jensen swipes up some of the pre-come dripping from his slit and smoothes it down over both of them. He curls his palm over Cordell’s and threads their fingers together, then begins to gently guide his movements. 

“Is this okay?” Jensen asks quietly. 

Cordell nods, momentarily unable to get the right words out. “It’s good. Feels really good.” 

“I’m not gonna last,” Jensen warns, his voice already strained. “I dunno what it is about you, Cordell. You just drive me crazy.” 

Cordell leans in closer, silently asking for a kiss that Jensen gladly gives him. He’s not sure who gives in first, can’t really think about much of anything at all as he rushes headfirst toward his release, his whole body seizing tight as he paints the space between them in streaks of pearly white. The sound of Jensen moaning his name is like music to his ears. Cordell’s whole body is thrumming, riding out the waves of pleasure as Jensen’s cock twitches against his own and he erupts over Cordell’s fist, adding to the mess smeared between their stomachs. 

They’re both silent for a few long moments, just listening to one other’s breaths even out into a steady cadence. Cordell blinks his eyes open and smiles, not entirely surprised anymore to see Jensen just quietly looking at him. 

“Tell me you’re not over-thinking this,” Cordell says, equal parts question and statement. 

“I’m not,” Jensen replies. “I’m pretty sure you broke my brain, though, so… Not thinking about anything, really.” 

Cordell can’t help chuckling at that. “Problem solved, then,” he shrugs. “And I didn’t even have to buy you dinner first.” 

“Speaking of that,” Jensen says, “Where’re you takin’ me out to tonight?” 

“Oh, yeah. You like French food, right?” Cordell pauses just long enough to watch Jensen’s expression change from surprised, to confused, to skeptical, but he can’t quite keep a straight face long enough to keep the joke going. 

“Oh, Jesus. I really thought you were serious for a second,” Jensen smiles and rolls his eyes fondly. 

“There’s a steakhouse not too far from here,” Cordell tells him. “I think you’ll like it.” 

“Yeah? Well then, I think so too,” Jensen grins.


	5. Secrets and Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lies by omission still hurt more than Jensen cares to admit. A family emergency forces Cordell and Jensen to take some time apart.

As soon as they step out of the restaurant, Cordell catches a glimpse of a familiar face heading toward them. It’s one of the guys from work; a friendly, older fellow with a reputation for being much too laid-back. From what Cordell can recall, Martinez has worked at the South Station for over thirty years. He’s walking hand-in-hand with a petite brunette who appears to be around the same age. 

Cord wonders for a split-second if he and Jensen can still hightail it in the opposite direction without being seen, but then it’s too late and he quickly puts a hopefully genuine smile on his face as the couple approaches.

“Connor,” Martinez says, clapping Cordell fondly on the shoulder. “Hey, man. Fancy seeing you here. Didn’t think you ever went out.” 

Cordell forces a chuckle as he nods politely at both of them. “My buddy’s visiting from out of town, so I made an exception.” He gives a quick glance in Jensen’s direction and catches his eye, but is completely unable to read his expression. “This is Jensen. We went to school together back in San Antonio.” 

“I’m Roger,” Martinez says. “My wife, Sonya.” 

Jensen extends his hand and smiles graciously, shaking both their hands. “Nice to meet you.” 

“We keep tryin’ to get your buddy here to come out for a drink with us after work,” Martinez continues. “Dunno what he’s always so busy with.” 

Cordell clears his throat uncomfortably and tries to catch Jensen’s eye again, but Jensen seems to be refusing to look at him now. Cordell’s discomfort intensifies and a heavy ache starts blooming in his chest.

He turns his head again to Martinez. “Nice seeing you, Rog. Enjoy dinner, folks,” he says, with a tone of finality to hopefully end this train wreck of a conversation. 

“Yup, thanks. See you tomorrow,” Martinez nods, and the couple walks away. There’s a brief burst of noise and boisterous chatter from the restaurant as he and his wife step inside, and then it’s quiet again as the door slides shut behind them. 

“I- I can explain,” Cordell stammers, holding his hand out in a placating gesture, “But not here. Can we just-” 

“What the fuck, man?” Jensen says, finally turning to meet Cordell’s eyes. “Did you- did you seriously use a fake name with me?” 

“No,” Cordell replies. “No- I- I swear, that’s not- this isn’t what it seems like.”

“Really?” Jensen asks evenly. For the first time, his voice is cold, sending a chill up Cordell’s spine. “Then what is it?”

Cordell runs his hands nervously through his hair, startling himself when he realizes just how much he’s shaking. “Please, Jensen. Can we just- go back to your car and talk? I promise you, I’ll explain everything.” He hesitates for a moment, then reaches out to rest his hand on Jensen’s arm. 

Jensen flinches, but he doesn’t pull away or punch Cord in the face, which in all honesty he probably deserves. Jensen doesn’t say anything, but he walks quietly alongside Cordell as they make their way across the lot to Jensen’s SUV and climb in. Cordell is well aware he could lose his job for telling a civilian about any of this, but he’s suddenly frantic, desperate to make Jensen understand. 

“Cordell is my real name,” he begins, before Jensen can ask the question again. “I told you the truth about that. I’ve been working undercover at the Border Patrol South Station here in Laredo for six months.” He exhales shakily, unconsciously rubbing his sweaty palms on his jeans. 

“Undercover,” Jensen repeats. “You’re a cop?” 

It’s on the tip of his tongue to lie and say ‘yes’, but the only thing Cordell is certain of at this moment is that he needs to do whatever it takes not to lose Jensen. “I’m a Ranger,” he admits. 

Jensen is silent for a few long moments that feel like an eternity. Cordell’s heart is still hammering hard behind his ribs and he’s aching to reach over and touch him, kiss him, even just hold his hand; but he forces himself to keep his own hands where they are.

“How?” Jensen asks softly. 

Cordell’s gaze snaps up to meet Jensen’s and his heart twists painfully in his chest at the look of utter betrayal in those beautiful gold-flecked eyes, the same eyes overflowing with adoration for him just a few hours ago. 

“How am I supposed to trust you now?” 

“I told you the truth,” Cordell starts to explain, weakly. “Everything I said- about the military, about Emily, about my kids- all of it’s _true_. The one thing I didn’t tell you was the one thing that I... I couldn’t.” 

“How do I know you’re not lying to me now?” Jensen asks. And he’s not even angry anymore -- that’s probably the worst part -- he just looks incredibly disappointed. 

“Because you know me,” Cordell responds in a pleading voice. 

“We’ve known each other for _a week_ ,” Jensen says, and he might as well have punched Cord in the face because that probably would’ve hurt less. “I mean, I get it. You’re grieving. You’re lonely. You needed… someone. And I was… I was there.” 

Cordell frowns and shakes his head emphatically. “That’s _not_ what happened and you damn well know it. You-” He pauses and tries again. “We- we sat there, together, for six hours at that diner, just talking. Six hours- don’t tell me you didn’t feel it, too. Like we- like we know each other already somehow, right? Like maybe- maybe we’ve lived our whole lives trying to find each other and we just- we finally did.” He pauses, admittedly shaken by the truth behind the words spilling from his lips. 

Jensen shakes his head and lowers his eyes, draws in a shaky breath and exhales slowly. He hurriedly looks away, but not before Cordell catches a glimpse of unshed tears shining in his eyes. 

Cordell can’t resist any longer; he reaches out and tentatively grabs ahold of Jensen’s hand, immensely grateful when Jensen doesn’t pull away. “Please,” Cordell practically whispers. “Please try to understand.” 

“I want to,” Jensen sighs, finally turning to meet Cordell’s eyes again. “I think I just need some time.” He threads their fingers together, bringing his other hand up to curl around Cordell’s to give it a gentle, reassuring squeeze. It isn’t much, but Cordell feels his frantic heartbeat begin to even out, his breaths gradually settling into an even rhythm. 

They both flinch at the shrill sound of Jensen’s phone suddenly ringing in his pocket. He hurriedly pulls it out and declines the call without looking at the screen, but it rings again just a second later. Jensen frowns when he finally glances at it, then picks up the call without hesitation. 

“Hey, Momma,” he says, “This isn’t really a good time. Can I give you a call back-” 

Cordell watches intently as Jensen’s expression abruptly changes and he nervously rubs at the back of his neck. 

“Oh God. Okay. I- Yeah, I’ll meet you there. I’m visiting a friend a couple of hours out, but I’ll be there as soon as I can.” 

“What’s goin’ on?” Cordell asks as soon as Jensen ends the call, returning the phone to his pocket. “Is everything okay?” 

Jensen shakes his head as he hurriedly buckles his seat belt and starts the car. “It’s my Dad. He- he was having chest pains and collapsed. They’re on their way to the hospital by ambulance, right now.” 

“Oh shit,” Cordell breathes. “Do you- I mean, are you-”

“I gotta get home,” Jensen says, already backing out of the lot and pulling onto the highway. “I’ll drop you off,” he adds distractedly. 

It’s on the tip of Cordell’s tongue to ask if Jensen wants him to come along, but given the current state of things between them, he keeps his mouth shut. He wants badly to be there for Jensen, to be the steady source of strength and comfort that Jensen has been for Cordell in the short amount of time they’ve known each other, but logically, he knows that wouldn’t be the best idea right now. 

They make it back to the motel in record time and Cordell quickly unbuckles his seatbelt, searching unsuccessfully for words that could possibly make things better. 

“I’m sorry to have to leave like this,” Jensen says, a bit distracted, but his voice is regretful. 

“Don’t apologize,” Cordell replies earnestly. “Go be there for your family. I’ll be here when- whenever you’re ready.” 

He stands in the parking lot, watching as Jensen pulls onto the highway again and begins the long drive back to the city they both call home. Cordell shoves his hands into his jacket pockets and remains a few moments longer, his heart heavy with worry and about a million and one thoughts tumbling in his head. Then slowly, he turns and makes his way up the stairs to his room, barely keeping his hands from shaking as he tries to get his keycard into the slot. 

The room is dark when Cordell finally gets the door open, and he can’t help cringing when he flips the lights on and his gaze settles on the rumpled sheets and the forgotten towel hanging from the edge of the mattress. Before leaving for dinner, they had spent the afternoon sprawled together in bed, just talking and laughing about some stupid movie that Jensen had quoted a line from that they both found way too funny. 

Cordell draws in a deep breath and picks up the towel, hangs it neatly in the bathroom, then goes to the closet to get his duffel bag. 

He reaches in for the one thing that hasn’t crossed his mind during the last week. As soon as it brushes against cool glass, his hand instinctively closes around the neck of the bottle; he pulls it out without a second thought. The whiskey burns as it slides down his throat and blooms under his skin, warming his body and steadying his trembling hands. He takes another long drink straight from the bottle before setting it on the nightstand. Cordell’s eyes slide shut and, despite the uncertainty weighing heavily on his mind and his heart, he gives in willingly to sleep.


	6. Walls Come Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordell feels himself spiraling, but gives Jensen the time and space that he'd asked for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love and kisses to DarlingFlyingFox for helping me with characterization, being the best beta reader of all time and for being just as invested in this couple as I am!

Cordell’s eyes blur out of focus for a second and he blinks hard, struggling to refocus on the computer screen in front of him. He’s been working on this surveillance report for the better part of the morning, but hasn’t been able to properly concentrate on it to save his life. He picks up his mug and gulps down the rest of the stale, lukewarm coffee before rising to his feet. With a quick glance around the room, he takes a silent inventory of who’s currently out on patrol, then crosses the bullpen and heads toward the break room. 

No one else is there, thankfully. 

He rubs his hands over his face and hesitates for a second before pulling his phone out of his pocket. It’s been nearly three weeks since the roller coaster of a weekend that still has his head spinning and his heart completely twisted up in knots. He hasn’t spoken with Jensen, but they have sort of kept in touch over text. Cordell so badly wants to see him, even just hear his voice again, but Jensen had asked for time and Cordell wants to respect that. 

Scrolling all the way up to the beginning of their message history, Cordell smiles faintly at the first text that Jensen had ever sent him. It’s barely been a month since they met, but the intensity of his feelings for this man are startling, to say the least. His eyes sweep down a little further to the message Jensen had sent the night everything fell apart. 

_JA: Hey just wanted to let you know I made it back home safely. My dad is stable, he’s being prepped for surgery now._

Cordell cringes, recalling how he hadn’t seen the text until the next morning. He had woken up feeling slightly remorseful but had convinced himself that having a few drinks was the only way he would’ve been able to get any sleep that night. 

**CW: Sorry for late reply. How’s he doing now?**

_JA: Good. Doc said the surgery went as well as it could’ve_

**CW: I’m so glad to hear that, relieved for you and your family. Please let me know if I can do anything to help.**

Jensen hadn’t responded for over a day, which Cordell had spent the entirety of checking his phone approximately every five minutes. After reading over his last message again about a hundred times, Cord wanted to kick himself for sounding so incredibly formal and maybe a little cold; he could only hope Jensen knew that he had good intentions. 

_JA: Dad’s doing really well. May be released in a few days. Mackenzie flew in yesterday from San Fran & is staying with me. Forgot how little sisters never really stop being annoying :)_

**CW: Lol**

_JA: How are things with you?_

**CW: Hanging in there**

Jensen hadn’t responded for a few hours, during which Cordell had nearly convinced himself that he should’ve just lied and said he was doing great. He’d paced the length of his motel room so many times that he was surprised he didn’t wear a hole through the carpet. Jensen had eventually replied -- 

_JA: I know we need to talk. I’m sorry I left things like this with us_

**CW: You have a lot going on right now, it’s okay**

_JA: I’ll call you when things settle down. Is that alright?_

**CW: Yes, absolutely**

Cordell hasn’t heard from Jensen since -- over two weeks and no calls or even texts, and he’s beginning to wonder if Jensen is ever going to reach out. Maybe the time apart was enough for him to realize that Cordell isn’t worth the effort of trying to rebuild the trust that had been lost. Maybe Cordell had completely overinflated the significance of their relationship and the strength of the connection between them in his own mind. Maybe it hadn’t been more than just a casual hook-up to Jensen. He’s gone over every possible scenario about a thousand times, but he knows that none of it matters, not really, not if he’s already lost Jensen. 

He goes through the rest of the day on auto-pilot, reminding himself repeatedly that he’s there to do his job and if he’s going to do it well, he needs to force himself not to feel anything at all. Still, his emotions are all simmering so close to the surface that Cordell is on edge, anxious like he’s wound too tight and about to snap. 

When he gets back to the motel after work, Cordell heads straight for the bottle of whiskey on the nightstand and drains the rest of its contents in one long gulp. The familiar warmth is more soothing than it has any right to be, and he closes his eyes for a few moments to just breathe as the tension slowly drains from his body. He tries to set the empty bottle back down, but it slips from his fingers and falls to the carpeted floor with a soft thud. 

Cordell stares blankly at it and decides it’s not worth the effort to pick up. He instead kicks off his boots and flops down onto the bed, still wearing his uniform and heavy Kevlar vest. When his phone rings in his pocket a few minutes later, he grabs it and picks up the call without looking at the screen. Unfortunately, his brain momentarily forgets how to form words, so he remains silent, but does wonder vaguely who’s calling him. 

“Hello? Cordell?” 

Cord blinks hard and scrubs his hand over his cheek. “Jensen,” he finally manages to say. “Hey. Hi.” 

“Did I catch you at a bad time?” Jensen asks. 

“Huh? Oh. No,” Cordell says. “How is everything?” With some effort, he manages to push himself upright and swing his legs down over the edge of the bed. The room tilts and spins for a second, but he reaches his free hand out to steady himself against the mattress. 

“Good. A little crazy, but good. My sister decided to move in with our folks to help them out,” Jensen explains. “Dad’s doing really well. He’ll be back out on the golf course in no time.” 

“That’s- I’m so glad to hear that, Jensen,” Cordell says earnestly. “Your family sounds really… really wonderful.” He licks his lips, suddenly wishing that he had some water, but the bathroom seems much too far away to even think about going in there to get some. 

“Are- are you okay?” Jensen asks after a moment. 

“I sure am. I’m a-okay." 

“Have you been drinking?” 

“Yeah,” Cordell admits with a sigh. “Just needed to take the edge off, I guess. You said you needed time and I didn’t- I didn’t know what that meant. Also, I think that over-thinking thing you do rubbed off on me.” 

Jensen takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention.” 

“I just- I really miss you. I know you don’t think we know each other very well and maybe that means I don’t have any right to miss you, but I do,” Cordell says. “So sue me.” 

“Do you really?” Jensen asks quietly. 

“Of course I do,” Cordell breathes. He frowns and blinks hard against the tears suddenly burning behind his eyelids. “I’ve been driving myself crazy thinking that I- that maybe this was it for us, that I fucked things up beyond repair." 

“You didn’t,” Jensen replies. “Cordell, listen to me. You didn’t. I've just- I’ve been lied to before and maybe that messed with my head more than I wanted to admit. I just needed time to think." 

“I’m so sorry,” Cordell continues, his voice thick with remorse. “I wish I could go back in time and fix everything.” 

Jensen sighs softly. “This isn’t all on you. I hope you realize that. My reaction wasn’t exactly fair to you… and I’m sorry for that. For causing you so much pain.” 

Cordell barrels on as all of the thoughts he’s been tossing around in his head finally come tumbling out. “I understand. I do. But you need to understand that I'd do anything, Jensen. Please- I want to be with you so much.” 

To Cord’s surprise, Jensen chuckles. “Man, you are really chatty when you’re drunk.” 

Cordell huffs quietly, laughing, and shakes his head. “But it’s the truth.” 

“Nothing but the truth?” Jensen asks, and Cordell catches just the slightest hint of teasing in his voice. 

“So help me, God.” 

“All right,” Jensen says. “Here’s what we’re gonna do. Put me on speaker and get yourself over to the bathroom to drink some water. And be careful.” 

"Copy that," Cordell nods, quickly giving himself a silent pep talk. He sways a bit on his feet, but manages to do as Jensen asked and makes it back to the bed in one piece, glass of water in hand. 

“You still there?” Jensen asks. 

“Yup, I am.” 

“You gonna remember any of this conversation tomorrow morning?” 

"Yeah," Cordell replies. "Not my first rodeo, remember?" He takes a deep breath and then gulps down some water, then presses and rolls the cool glass against his temple. 

"I'm…" Jensen pauses for just a beat too long. "I wish I could be there with you. I know you’re hurting and I really never- I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” 

“Don’t worry about me,” Cordell tries to assure him. Admittedly, he’s not proud of slipping so easily back into old habits but the sound of Jensen’s voice is already so reassuring that his heart swells in his chest. “Hey, did anyone ever tell you that you give the best hugs?” 

Jensen laughs at that, and the warmth in the sound brings a fond smile to Cordell’s lips. “I’m sorry,” Jensen says, “I thought you were gonna say something else.” 

“What?” 

“Never mind,” Jensen responds wryly. 

“Oohh,” Cordell says, when his brain finally catches up to the innuendo. “Well, that too.” He pauses, grinning. “Obviously.” 

“Obviously,” Jensen repeats, and Cordell can practically see it -- Jensen’s perfect, pink lips curled into a smirk. “Is that the only thing you missed about me?” 

Cordell isn’t entirely sure what Jensen is referring to anymore, but it doesn’t matter. He only knows the tight ache that’s been squeezing his chest since their last time together is finally easing. “Is ‘all of the above’ an acceptable answer?” 

“I’ll take it,” Jensen replies. “Can I see you again? Maybe next weekend?” 

“Yes,” Cordell says, and he’s well aware that he sounds much too eager but he can’t really find it in himself to care. “I would love to see you again, too. But... I don’t think you should be too far from home. In case anything comes up with your dad again, I mean.” 

Jensen is quiet for a moment. “My family has a place near Lake Austin. Do you think you’d wanna maybe spend the weekend there with me? I think it’d do us both some good to get away for a little while.” 

“That sounds amazing, Jensen,” Cordell says. 

“Perfect. I'll text you the details. And Cordell…” he continues, “Stay out of trouble for me alright, Cowboy?” 

“Yeah,” Cordell nods, grimacing as his eyes prick with tears, again, at hearing the nickname only Jensen uses. “I- yeah, okay.” 

He's still a little buzzed even after they say their goodbyes and hang up, but the pleasant warmth and familiar flutter of anticipation in his chest and stomach have nothing to do with alcohol.


	7. Where the Shadows Used to Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A weekend away at the lake gives the guys a chance to reconnect.

It’s not quite mid-morning when Cordell pulls up to Jensen’s family lake house. It’s tucked into the corner of a cul-de-sac and Cordell almost drives past it when he glimpses Jensen’s black SUV parked at the top of the curved driveway. 

Cordell had gotten an early start that morning, too keyed up to sleep in like he normally would on a Saturday morning. Now he’s here and feeling inexplicably anxious, although he has no reason to be, really. He and Jensen have texted and talked nearly every day since they’d reconnected the previous weekend, and things are almost… normal between them. As normal as they can be anyway, considering the circumstances. 

But Cordell has felt this way about someone only one other time in his life and that's just about as terrifying as it is thrilling.

He pulls his truck up behind Jensen’s SUV and gets out, taking a moment to stretch after the 3-hour drive. He glances around and marvels at the natural beauty of this quiet, serene neighborhood. 

The house is set back on the property, surrounded almost entirely by trees, with thick vines that curl and twist around the curved archway at the front. Cordell hesitates for a moment as his eyes land on the front door, but before his uncertainty can take hold, Jensen pulls the door open. 

“Hey," he says, stepping outside with a grin on his face. “And I just missed my opportunity to answer the door in my underwear. Damn it.” 

He looks just as handsome as always, but more relaxed than Cordell’s seen him, in jeans, a snug grey t-shirt and a backward baseball cap. He's apparently decided to stop shaving since they last saw each other, and the dark auburn scruff covering his cheeks and chin is so much sexier than it has any right to be. The arousal that’s been pooling low in his belly during the entire drive over kicks into high gear as Cordell’s eyes sweep down Jensen’s body and then back up again. 

“Maybe next time?” Cordell raises his eyebrows hopefully. 

Jensen closes the distance between them, wrapping Cordell in his arms, and Cordell can’t help the smile that spreads across his face upon feeling that strong embrace. His eyes slide shut and he draws in a deep breath, letting the warmth and comfort of Jensen’s presence soothe him. 

“It's good to see you, Cord,” Jensen murmurs against his ear. “I’ve missed you.” 

Cordell can barely get the words out around the emotion tightening his throat. “Same here.” 

When Jensen finally pulls away, he gives Cordell a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder. “C’mon, I’ll show you around. Want something to drink? I just stocked the fridge.” 

“I’m good for now, thanks.” Cordell picks up his duffel bag and follows Jensen into the house, quickly realizing the interior of the house is as awe-inspiring as the grounds it’s set upon. 

He had a feeling that Jensen and his family were wealthy -- mostly based on his clothes and car -- but he had not envisioned that wealth including a vacation home they didn’t even live in most of the year. 

The house is beautiful inside, with a high, open-beam ceiling and huge windows lining nearly every cedar wall. The view from the living room is breathtaking: the lake is smooth as glass and its grassy, sloped bank is shrouded by trees. Far in the distance beyond the lake’s edge, lush green mountain peaks look almost like a painting etched into the sky. 

“This place is really something,” Cordell says, finally tearing his eyes from the view. He smiles, his cheeks heating at the realization that Jensen isn’t looking out the window at all. 

“Great view,” Jensen agrees quietly, just the slightest hint of a teasing smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Cordell curls his arms around Jensen’s shoulders as they slide their lips together. He tugs Jensen’s cap off and tosses it aside before bringing his hand up to thread through the messy hair on the back of Jensen’s head. They both push to deepen the kiss, twisting their tongues slowly together, enjoying the unhurried moment of shared exploration. Jensen drags one hand down Cordell's back and slips his hand just barely under the waistband of Cordell’s briefs, his fingertips teasing playfully over the sensitive skin there. 

“So, are you gonna show me the rest of the house, or what?” Cordell asks, when their lips finally part. 

“What’d you wanna see?” Jensen asks. 

“The view from the bedroom, for starters,” Cordell replies, surprising himself; but he’s found the flirting and teasing come startlingly easily with Jensen. A flutter of anticipation tingles down his spine when Jensen threads their fingers together and tugs him toward the hallway that presumably leads to the bedrooms. 

The master bedroom is connected to a porch overlooking the same view as the living room, but Cordell’s brain doesn’t register anything but Jensen’s eyes sweeping hungrily over him, Jensen’s hands tugging at his waist, Jensen advancing them toward the bed as he undoes the buttons down the front of Cordell’s shirt. Cord shrugs out of the shirt, grunting in frustration when the rolled cuffs catch on his wrists and he cannot for the life of him get the damned thing off. 

Jensen laughs softly and catches Cordell’s wrists to still his movements, then carefully helps to slip the offensive garment off. “We’ve got all weekend,” Jensen says. “Maybe we should take our time.” 

Cordell nods and exhales shakily, forcing a smile as Jensen peels off his own t-shirt, then turns his attention to Cordell’s belt. Jensen pauses with his hands on Cordell’s belt buckle and lifts his eyes, wordlessly asking for permission in a way that somehow only Jensen knows how to. Instead of replying, Cord reaches between their bodies to help undo the buckle, the muted clink of metal and strain of leather magnified a million times as it slices through the silence between them. 

Jensen’s hands are sure and steady as he reaches into Cordell’s briefs and squeezes his hard shaft, swiping his thumb over the moisture leaking from the tip. It feels incredible to Cordell, somehow, even though Jensen’s not doing more than cradling the hard flesh in his palm.

They end up on top of the mattress together, where Jensen scoots down then smiles faintly at Cordell before tugging at the elastic waist of Cordell’s briefs to push them down and off. 

Cordell is so hard, he’s starting to ache, so the release of pressure as his cock springs free is a relief. His mouth falls halfway open in rapture as he watches Jensen dip his head and suck the swollen crown between his lips. He holds his breath unconsciously, silently watching Jensen slowly swallow his shaft, nostrils flaring, plush lips stretched wide and his freckled cheeks flushed pink.

Cordell blinks hard, feeling as though everything is moving in slow motion, despite the frantic buzz of arousal coursing through his veins. Jensen’s mouth feels incredible, warm and wet and tight, as he works it over Cordell’s cock in a steady rhythm. The rough grain of Jensen’s beard is brushing against Cordell’s heated skin and it’s puzzlingly arousing -- too much and not enough all at once. 

He closes his eyes for a moment and tries to narrow his focus to just the tight heat of Jensen’s mouth, but it’s as though the synapses in his brain are misfiring at the unfamiliar combination of sensations. “Jensen,” he hears himself saying. “Stop- stop for a second. Wait.” 

Jensen finally lifts his head, letting Cordell’s hard flesh slip out of his mouth, then presses a gentle kiss to Cordell’s shaft, his chin dragging against the sensitive skin on the inside of Cordell’s thigh. A shudder courses through Cordell’s body in response a split-second later and he can’t help shivering slightly.

Jensen scrubs a palm over the bristly hair on his cheek, then down to his chin. “Sorry, was that too much?” he cringes. 

“In a good way,” Cordell assures him. “Maybe a little too good,” he admits as an afterthought. 

Jensen pushes onto his knees to finally take off his own jeans and underwear, and Cordell is grateful for the pause, to have a chance to catch his breath. He clasps his fingers together behind his head, watching as Jensen peels away the rest of his clothes and sits on his haunches. 

“Hmmm,” he murmurs thoughtfully and slides his hand over Cordell’s hip, squeezing gently there before asking, “Wanna try something else? The angle might be better.” 

Cordell nods and moves willingly when Jensen urges him onto his side, then gracefully twists and spreads out beside Cordell so that they’re head-to-toe. Cordell’s heart thuds in anticipation when he realizes what Jensen has in mind. It feels like several lifetimes since he’s been with a guy, but somehow it continues to feel natural with Jensen: like coming in from the cold, like coming home. 

Cordell’s eyes slide shut as he guides Jensen’s half-hard dick into his mouth. It’s indescribably arousing when Jensen moans brokenly and his flesh fills and hardens against Cordell’s tongue. He keeps one arm curled under his head and brings the other hand up to work Jensen’s cock in tandem with his mouth. 

A jarring surge of arousal shoots down his spine when Jensen slides his lips over Cordell’s aching length again. He’s been so hard, for so long, it’s not going to take much more to push him over the edge. Still, he manages to stave off his own climax until Jensen is moaning almost non-stop, his hips trembling with the effort to hold back, tangy-sweet pulses of his pre-come leaking continuously against Cordell’s tongue. 

Cordell chokes on a warning that catches in his throat as his orgasm tears suddenly through him. The sensations are incredible, blooming under his skin and sending pinpricks of pleasure coursing through his body, his cock jerking hard against Jensen’s tongue as he unloads into Jensen’s mouth. He’s only vaguely aware of Jensen’s fingers clutching desperately at his hip, too caught up in riding out the waves of pleasure, until Cordell’s mouth is flooded with the first burst of Jensen’s release. 

He instinctively pulls back but keeps his lips sealed around the swollen, throbbing head and uses his spit-slicked hand to work Jensen through it. He gulps down everything that Jensen has to give without a second thought, and when the intimacy of it hits him, a powerful aftershock shoots down Cordell’s spine. 

They’re both breathing unevenly as Cordell relaxes against the pillows and Jensen crawls up the mattress to flop down beside him. 

Cordell’s lost for words, can’t really think -- or hear, for that matter -- over the sound of his heartbeat still thundering in his ears. He gives Jensen a small, lazy grin and leans in for the kiss Jensen presses to his lips. 

“Well, that was incredible,” Jensen drawls, sweeping his eyes up to meet Cordell’s gaze. 

“Is that a surprise?” Cordell can’t help teasing.

Jensen laughs and shakes his head fondly. He props himself up halfway with his elbow pressed to the mattress beside Cordell’s shoulder, and moves his other hand to rest on Cordell’s stomach. They lie there together for a few peaceful moments, just listening to the sound of one another’s breaths gradually settling into an even rhythm. 

Tilting his head curiously, Jensen slides his hand over the pale line of raised skin above Cordell’s hip bone. “What happened here?” he asks. He’s just gently brushing his thumb over the scar, but it tickles a little, sending goosebumps rippling across Cordell’s skin. 

“Had my appendix removed,” Cordell replies.

“How old were you?”

“Just turned seven.” He smiles faintly as Jensen continues his quiet exploration, his fingertips whisper-soft as he trails them up the center of Cordell’s stomach and to his collarbone. 

“And here?” Jensen asks, frowning a bit as he rubs his thumb over the jagged patch of scar tissue extending from Cordell’s collarbone to his shoulder. 

“Got caught in the middle of red-on-red,” Cordell says quietly, as Jensen leans in to press a kiss to the scar. 

Cordell doesn’t look at the scars earned in battle often; they aren’t fond memories, but they are part of his history, and he wants Jensen to know. “Wrong place, wrong time, I guess.” 

“That was in…?” Jensen trails off. 

“Kandahar." He and Jensen had talked about his time in the Marines a bit before, but Cordell had glossed over the details. 

“Nineteen year-old me thought I was gonna bleed out, it hurt so bad,” he shares. “But-” he lifts his shoulder just enough to show Jensen the smooth, unblemished skin on the back of his shoulder, “Turns out it’s better if the bullet doesn’t go all the way through.” 

Cordell lowers his eyes and unconsciously rubs his hand over his tricep where another, less noticeable, scar is mostly hidden. “Thought about getting a tattoo to cover this one,” he muses. He lifts his arm, then curls it over his head to rest against the pillow. “Never got around to it.” 

Jensen reaches up and slides his hand over the rough, pink skin. “This looks like a burn,” he remarks.

“We had this informant,” Cordell nods. “Someone must’ve found out she was talking to us. We barely got her and her kids out of a fire in time.” He tugs his bottom lip between his teeth and chews on it for a moment, vividly remembering that day almost twenty years ago. 

As the least senior member of the squad, Cordell was only supposed to stand guard outside during the meeting. He recalls every detail except how he actually got into the house; only remembers grabbing the screaming child from her crib and stumbling blindly through smoke, praying that he was heading in the right direction. 

“Christ,” Jensen murmurs. He licks his lips and gently guides Cordell’s arm back down to his side, then threads their fingers together. 

Jensen brings his gaze up to meet Cordell’s eyes again and remains quiet for a few long moments. 

Despite how close they’ve become in the short time they’ve known each other, Cordell still can’t quite get a read on him at times like this, and it makes him uneasy. 

“It was a long time ago,” Cordell says, perhaps a bit too dismissively. Part of him does want Jensen to know his history, but at the same time he’s almost ashamed of how, just like his scars, so much of the damage inside him hasn’t yet fully healed. Most of the time he puts on a brave front for the world to see, but he’s too often still crippled with grief, his sleep still riddled with nightmares of things he’d rather forget. 

To Cordell’s surprise, Jensen lifts his hand and gives it a soft kiss. “Thank you for trusting me enough to share all of this. It means a lot. More than you know.” He brings their intertwined hands up to rest over Cordell’s heart in an unspoken gesture so incredibly warm and genuine that Cordell’s uncertainty begins to melt away.


	8. Rain or Shine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordell and Jensen continue to get closer as they spend time together at the lake.

The world outside is calm and quiet as Cordell follows Jensen down the steps from the back porch toward the lake. It’s not quite fall yet, with the last few warm and humid summer days lingering into an unseasonably warm September. With a slight breeze rustling through the trees above and the faint song of birds far in the distance, this is the most peaceful and at ease Cordell has felt for as long as he can remember. 

There’s a small dock extending out over the edge of the lake, with wicker chairs and a table that Jensen drags a bit closer together before setting down a cooler and towels. Hesitating for just a second, Cordell tugs his t-shirt off and tosses it onto one of the chairs. He steps closer to the edge of the dock and lets his eyes sweep over the landscape, taking a moment to appreciate the tranquility of this beautiful, perfect place. There’s a fine mist hovering above the lake’s surface, giving it an otherworldly, almost eerie quality as the sun slips behind the clouds. 

Cordell glances over his shoulder at the hiss and pop of a bottle opening, and smiles as Jensen hands him a beer. “From the family business?” Cord asks, then takes a taste and nods appreciatively. He doesn’t know much about beer -- let alone the craft beers that Jensen is probably an expert at -- but it definitely tastes good. 

Jensen takes a drink from his own bottle and then chuckles when he notices the name on the label. “I swear I didn’t grab these in particular on purpose. ‘Cosmic Cowboy’,” he smirks. “My brother has this thing about giving every beer a memorable name.” 

Cordell smiles and follows suit as Jensen sits at the edge of the dock. When he dips his bare feet into the water, it's a little colder than he’d expected, but it’s as refreshing and cool as the chilled bottle in his hand. “What’s your brother like?” he asks. 

Jensen pauses to think for a moment, which Cordell noticed he often does before speaking. “He’s a lot like me, I guess. He’s two years older so we were always at the same schools together.” 

“You two were close growing up?” Cordell is suddenly reminded of his own kid brother, who he honestly misses more than he’d ever admit out loud. 

“Yeah. I wanted to be just like him, you know? Joined the baseball team ‘cause that was Josh’s thing. Followed him around, wanting to do everything he did.” 

Cordell laughs quietly and sets his bottle down. “Liam and I couldn’t be any more different,” he muses. 

“How so?” 

“Well, for starters he’s the smart one,” Cordell shrugs. 

“That makes you the good looking one, then?” Jensen teases, nudging Cordell’s shoulder with his own. 

Cordell can’t help laughing at that, but he brushes off the compliment and continues on. “Our folks were over the moon when he got into law school. And then when he got offered the position as ADA…” he trails off with a shake of his head. “I mean, they always supported me, too, of course. I just- I know even though she never said it, my momma always wished I would do something where I didn’t get shot at on the regular.” 

“Can’t say I blame her,” Jensen says thoughtfully. “I don’t really love the idea of you getting hurt, either.” 

Cordell smiles faintly, leaning into the curve of Jensen’s body when he drapes one arm over his shoulders. “Don’t worry about me,” he says. “I’ve gotten surprisingly good at ducking over the last nineteen years.” 

He can’t see Jensen’s face at this angle, but he can sense Jensen rolling his eyes as he scoffs at Cordell’s wry sense of humor. Cord is well aware of the risks that come with his job, but it’s the only thing he’s ever been good at and cannot even begin to imagine himself doing anything else. All he’s ever really wanted was to help people; to be one of the good guys.

“Are you hungry?” Jensen asks. Before Cordell can respond, Jensen presses a kiss to his temple and then rises to his feet to open the cooler he’d set down on the table. 

“Yeah. Worked up an appetite,” Cordell says, grinning, as he moves over to sit on one of the chairs. 

Cordell watches silently as Jensen puts together a sandwich and then hands it to him before preparing one for himself. They eat in comfortable silence for a while, looking out at the lake as the clouds finally part to let the sun through. The water is beautiful, its surface now sparkling like jewels as a slight breeze ripples over it. 

It’s true he and Jensen have not known each other very long, and yet this sense of familiarity and unspoken trust between them continues to come startlingly easily. Still, Cordell finds himself wishing that he knew more about Jensen, who -- if he’s going to be completely honest -- has kept much of himself and his history closely guarded. 

“Something on your mind?” Jensen asks. 

Before he can talk himself out of it, Cordell asks, “You told me- You said that someone had lied to you before and that kinda… messed with your head. Can I ask what happened?” 

Jensen draws in a deep breath and worries his bottom lip between his teeth. “I was young. And pretty damn stupid, actually,” he scoffs. “I fell for someone who turned out to be married.” 

“Oh,” Cordell says softly. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t that. “That… sucks. I’m sorry.” 

“I didn’t know,” Jensen clarifies. “I mean, looking back on it… the signs were there, but I ignored them ‘cause I just wanted… You know, you want something so badly that you sorta choose not to see the things you don’t want to.” 

Cordell nods and lowers his eyes for a moment as it dawns on him: Jensen had probably thought he had told him the same lie. Thankfully, they’ve gotten past it at this point but it still makes Cordell feel guilty. 

"That doesn't make you stupid," Cord shakes his head. "It just makes you… human, maybe. I don't know." 

“It shook me,” Jensen quietly admits. “How easy it was for you to lie… y'know when we ran into that guy from your work. Probably just means you’re good at your job,” he adds, smiling wryly. “Can’t exactly be mad about that, right?” 

“Jensen,” Cordell begins carefully, “You had every right to be upset. But whatever I say- whatever I _have_ to say and do for my job has nothing to do with how I feel about you." 

"No, I know that," Jensen assures him. "It's okay, I know." He pauses for a moment, then rises to his feet and steps closer, draping his arms over Cordell's shoulders. Cordell curls his arms around Jensen's waist and pulls him close, turning his head to rest his cheek against his torso and breathing in deeply, already completely addicted to Jensen’s clean, familiar scent. 

"I do hate lying, though," Cordell says. "It never comes easy for me. My hands always get so sweaty."

A smile spreads across Cordell's face at the sound of Jensen's laugh. His eyes slide shut and he hums softly in contentment as Jensen begins to thread his fingers through Cordell's hair, gently twisting and toying with the slightly too-long strands above the nape of his neck. 

It occurs to him then -- he’s happy. For the first time since his entire world had been shattered seven months ago, Cordell is so genuinely happy that it almost feels like none of this could possibly be real. And yet, Jensen is here and he’s certainly real, his body sure and strong and steady against Cordell’s as Jensen continues his quiet exploration, whisper-soft touches down the nape of Cordell’s neck and across his shoulders, then down to his biceps. 

“Do you wanna go swimming?” Jensen asks out of the blue, pulling away. 

“Yeah, I mean-” Cordell shrugs. “Okay,” he mumbles, way too distracted by the sight of the muscles in Jensen’s chest and arms flexing as he peels off his t-shirt and tosses it aside. 

“I’ll race you to the other side,” Jensen says, giving him a wink just a split second before turning and diving into the water. 

Cordell can’t help laughing as he hurries to jump in, albeit much less gracefully, sending a huge splash of water up onto the dock. The cool water feels incredible against his sun-warmed skin though, and the naturally competitive side of him kicks in as he struggles to catch up. It isn’t very far across -- probably no more than thirty yards or so -- but Cordell hasn’t been for a swim in ages. 

Both of them are breathing hard when Cordell makes it across a few seconds after Jensen does. He drops onto the grassy, sloped bank beside Jensen and drags his hands back through his hair, shaking his head a bit to get the excess water out. Cordell glances over at Jensen and grins, not surprised anymore to find Jensen quietly studying him with a faintest hint of a smile on his lips. 

This entire area behind the lake house is private, but this particular spot is even more secluded, the two of them mostly hidden where they’re huddled together beneath the long, low branches of a tree. Cordell leans in and brushes his lips over Jensen’s, kissing him slow and unhurried despite the thrum of arousal already buzzing under his skin. He pulls away, only to settle his lips over Jensen’s neck, pressing a line of kisses down to his collarbone as he tentatively brings one hand up to thumb over Jensen’s nipple.

Cordell flinches at the soft, almost wounded sound that escapes Jensen’s throat, until he realizes that Jensen’s head is tilted back in pleasure, his eyes falling shut around the whispered sound of Cordell’s name on his lips. A sudden surge of possessiveness courses through him as Cordell urges Jensen to lie on the soft grass. He leans down and licks over the stiff peak, dropping one hand to palm over the front of Jensen’s swim trunks where the half-hard flesh is already twitching and filling. 

He’s so consumed by sensation and emotion that Cordell barely registers the drizzle that begins to fall around them. It’s only when the raindrops grow bigger and start to beat down harder and faster that he and Jensen both turn their attention to the now cloudy sky peeking through the lattice of leaves above them. 

“Should we try to wait it out?” Cordell asks. 

“It could go on for a while before it passes,” Jensen replies. “Race you back?” he adds, raising his eyebrows playfully. 

They swim back across the lake together, not quite as quickly as the first time, and the rain is really pouring down by the time they get back to the dock. Cordell pauses when they get there, wondering if he should grab their towels and clothes, but Jensen just shakes his head and gestures for him to get under the cover of the back porch as quickly as possible. 

“Well, that took a turn,” Cordell chuckles as he tries to brush the water off of his body and squeeze out his dripping-wet trunks. It’s surprisingly chilly now that he’s soaked from head to toe and the warm afternoon sun is nowhere in sight. 

“Let’s get inside,” Jensen tells him. He pushes the door open and urges Cordell into the house. 

Cordell is vaguely concerned about getting the hardwood floor wet, but the thought doesn't seem to cross Jensen's mind as he strides across the living room and returns a moment later with a thick beach towel that he hurriedly wraps around Cordell’s shoulders. 

“Sorry about this,” Jensen says distractedly, focused entirely on trying to dry Cordell off despite the fact that he’s just as soaked. 

“Jensen, it’s not your fault it rained,” Cordell frowns. “Unless you have some weather-controlling super power you didn’t tell me about,” he adds as he pulls Jensen close and wraps the towel around him as well. 

“You know what I meant,” Jensen laughs. “I just- I wanted this weekend to be perfect, you know?” 

“It is,” Cordell says quietly. There’s so much he wants to say – that needs to be said – but the words get caught in his throat, the way they too often do whenever Jensen’s involved. 

“C’mon, let’s grab a quick shower. See if we can’t get warmed up.” 

“Now that… that sounds perfect,” Cordell replies.


	9. From Distant Shores

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A painful memory from Cordell's past arises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note trigger warning in this chapter: Descriptions of coerced sex / military sexual assault

It’s already warmer now that they’re inside, but Cordell is still shivering as Jensen leads him into the bathroom and pushes the door shut behind them. The bathroom is as impressive as the rest of the house, with a large walk-in shower surrounded by glass from floor to ceiling. 

Jensen reaches into the shower stall and turns the water on as hot as it’ll go. A few seconds later, the room begins to warm with steam that feels like silk as it flows over Cordell’s skin, sending goosebumps rising all over his body. 

Jensen catches Cordell’s eye as he unties the laces on the front of his shorts and slips them down and off. It’s difficult to comprehend how Jensen can look so sexy doing something so simple, but the sight of him like this makes Cordell’s heart flip over behind his ribs. 

He takes a moment to remove his own shorts before following Jensen into the shower. The heat feels incredible, and Cordell’s eyes slide shut as the hot water rains down around them, falling in sheets over every inch of his skin. Cord hums in agreement as Jensen curls his arms around Cordell’s torso to pull him closer until their hips are pressed together. 

Cordell dips his head and presses a kiss to Jensen’s collarbone, then nips lightly against the warm, wet skin there. He blinks his eyes open as Jensen suddenly reaches out to steady himself with his hand pressed to the tiled wall beside them. He’s breathtaking like this and probably doesn’t even realize it -- with tiny beads of water on his lashes and water running in jagged rivulets down his face and over his muscled chest. 

Cordell tugs on Jensen’s waist to urge him out of the direct spray of the shower, then lowers his head again to lick and kiss over the sensitive spot he’d managed to stumble upon a minute ago. Cordell slowly moves his hand down, skirting over Jensen’s torso and further south, where he drags the tips of his fingers along the underside of Jensen’s erection. A sound halfway between a moan and a whimper escapes Jensen’s parted lips, and Cordell finds himself hoping that no one else will ever elicit such a reaction from him. 

Cordell watches silently as Jensen reaches for a bottle of shower gel from the recessed shelf and squeezes a generous amount of blue gel into his hand. The scent is clean and crisp and oddly familiar, and it sends a fresh surge of heated blood straight down between Cordell’s legs when he realizes this is what Jensen smells like. 

Cordell bites back a moan as Jensen begins to run his strong, slightly calloused hands -- now slippery-wet and soapy -- over Cordell’s shoulders and down to his chest and stomach. Jensen rises onto his toes and captures Cordell’s mouth in a slow, sweet kiss as his hands continue their exploration. Cordell moans contentedly as they trade a few kisses that inevitably become increasingly heated after a few more moments. Reaching blindly between them, Cordell curls his fist around Jensen’s hard flesh and gives it a firm stroke all the way up to the swollen head.

“Whoa,” Jensen breathes as he breaks away. “Easy there, Cowboy. Don’t want this to be over before it starts, do you?” 

Cordell chuckles and slides his hand over to rest on Jensen’s hip instead. “What’d you have in mind?”

Jensen cocks his head slightly and purses his lips as he slides one hand down to rest on the small of Cordell’s back. He catches Cordell’s eye again and holds his gaze steady as he dips his fingertips lower, just barely teasing over the cleft of his ass. “I want _you_ , Cordell,” Jensen says softly, punctuating his words with a squeeze of Cordell’s ass cheek. He licks his lips and ventures down further still, the gentle but insistent press of his fingers sending a jarring surge of arousal down Cordell’s spine.

An eager sound of agreement gets caught in Cordell’s throat as he surges forward, smashing his mouth against Jensen’s. They kiss like this for a few moments, open-mouthed and needy, as Jensen pushes harder against the furled ring of muscle and the heat between them intensifies. 

Jensen pulls away with a gasp for breath, only to say, “C’mon, let’s get outta here.” He hurriedly shuts off the water and they both step out of the shower to dry off. Cordell’s heart is hammering almost painfully in his chest as they move across the hall into the bedroom. He exhales shakily and pulls at the towel knotted around his waist, setting it aside before he can talk himself out of it. Sitting there on the edge of the bed, Cordell feels incredibly awkward as his eyes track Jensen’s movements as he rummages through his bag. 

A few moments later, Jensen sets a bottle of lube and a strip of condoms down on the nightstand and turns his attention back to Cordell.

“Gonna venture a guess and say you were a boy scout?” Cordell smirks. 

“Always prepared,” Jensen admits as a slight flush of embarrassment stains his cheeks. 

Cordell lowers his eyes and draws in another deep breath as Jensen climbs onto the bed behind Cordell and sits back on his heels.

“Hey… are you alright?” he asks quietly. He slides his hands over Cordell’s shoulders and squeezes gently, then presses a soft kiss to the nape of his neck. 

“Yeah, I-” Cordell laughs nervously, feeling a bit ridiculous. “It’s just been a long time. Like, a really, really long time,” he adds as he turns to meet Jensen’s eyes. 

“I, uh- I figured,” Jensen murmurs. He pushes himself to his knees and drapes his arms over Cordell’s shoulders then squeezes tight. “It’s okay if you don’t-” 

“No, I want to,” Cordell cuts in before Jensen can finish the thought. He nods to emphasize his point, but also to convince himself that he’s being stupid. In all honesty, he’s wanted this since the moment he and Jensen first met. 

Jensen shifts over on the mattress, giving Cordell room to stretch out and settle down comfortably on his back. He slides his hand over Cordell’s hip and urges him to bend his legs a bit, drawing his knees up closer to his chest. 

“Trust me,” Jensen says quietly, half-question and half-statement, as he flicks open the bottle of lube. He raises his eyes to meet Cordell’s gaze, and it’s suddenly both starling and terrifying just how much Cordell trusts him -- this man who was a stranger to him only a month ago. 

“I do,” Cordell nods as he brings one arm up to rest under his head. His gaze sweeps down the length of his own body and he watches quietly as Jensen pours some lube out onto his fingers and rubs them together for a moment to warm it. 

“Don’t forget to breathe,” Jensen says with a reassuring smile. 

Cordell nods again and exhales shakily, only realizing then that he had, in fact, been unconsciously holding his breath. Jensen takes his time, swirling one well-lubed finger over the tiny opening for a few moments before dipping past the furled rim and slowly sliding the digit in, all the way down to the knuckle. 

“Is this okay?” Jensen asks as his eyes dart up to study Cordell’s face. 

“Yeah,” Cordell manages. It definitely doesn’t hurt, but still feels impossibly tight, like he needs to fight his body’s natural instincts in order to let Jensen in. 

“Tell me if it’s not.” 

“Yeah,” Cordell repeats. “I will.” 

The mattress dips as Jensen shifts over, keeping his finger sheathed inside Cordell’s body as he spreads out beside him. He leans in close and peppers kisses along the curve of Cordell’s neck, sucking gently on the damp skin there. Then, he draws his finger out slowly and carefully pushes back in with two – even slower now, more deliberate, more attentive than ever, as his fingers catch and drag against the sensitive nerves around Cordell’s opening. 

Cordell turns his head at the sensation, eyes sliding shut. Jensen kisses him and they both moan softly, tongues instinctively tangling until they’re both breathless. Their breaths are still coming unevenly once their lips part and Jensen drops his forehead to rest against Cordell’s. 

“Jesus Christ,” Jensen says gruffly, his voice completely wrecked already. “You’re so damn tight. Are you sure you’re okay? I’m not hurting you?”

“I’m alright,” Cordell nods. His whole body is alight with sensation, pleasure swirling in the pit of his stomach, sending sparks like lightning up and down his spine. Jensen twists and spreads his fingers where they’re still buried knuckle-deep in the warmth of Cordell’s body, testing the stretch before drawing the digits out halfway and then thrusting back in. “Oh- fuck… yeah,” Cordell chokes out hoarsely as Jensen’s fingertips just barely brush against his sweet spot. His hands are definitely larger than average but his fingers aren’t quite long enough to reach that sensitive mound of nerves deep inside him. 

“Yeah?” Jensen breathes, lifting his head to meet Cordell’s eyes. 

“Uh huh,” Cordell grins, admittedly a little embarrassed at his candid reaction. 

“Okay,” Jensen murmurs. “I got’cha. Just one more finger, alright?” 

It’s on the tip of his tongue to protest, to insist that he’s more than ready, but Cordell nods and tilts his chin up to meet Jensen halfway when their mouths come together again. Jensen is still just gently thrusting his fingers in and out in a slow, steady rhythm as he lifts up and shifts over to kneel between Cordell’s spread thighs. 

Cordell is so overwhelmed with sensation and emotion that he’s only vaguely aware of Jensen leaning over him. Then, he sucks in a gasp at the sensation of Jensen’s palm pressing into his own, essentially pinning his arm there against the pillow, as he leans further forward. 

Cordell is suddenly frozen, his veins filling with ice and his skin crawling with hundreds of invisible needles prickling under the surface. He squeezes his eyes shut, taking some comfort in the darkness, but the sensation of being utterly trapped is still there, as visceral and real as it was all those years ago. He can’t move, can’t speak, can’t do anything but choke on every breath as he struggles to force air in and out of his lungs. 

“Stop. Jensen- stop,” he finally manages. “I need- I- I just need a second.” 

With the heat of Jensen’s body gone, Cordell curls away from him, counting slowly and silently in his head the way he first learned to do when the nightmares just wouldn’t let up. He can’t really hear much else over the buzz of adrenaline in his ears, but he flinches hard at the sensation of Jensen’s hand against his back. Jensen yanks his hand away in response, almost as though he’d been burned. 

“Cordell, what’s going on? Please,” Jensen quietly pleads. 

Cordell blows out a shaky breath and pushes himself upright. “I’m alright,” he whispers. “I’m okay,” he repeats, unsure exactly who he’s trying to convince. He rubs his palms against the bedsheets and winces when he realizes how clammy and shaky his hands are.

“I’m sorry,” Jensen says carefully. “Whatever I did, I’m so sorry.”

Turning slightly to finally give Jensen a sideways glance, Cordell’s heart twists painfully at the sight of Jensen’s brow furrowed in concern, his eyes rimmed red and shiny. He draws in a deep breath and instinctively reaches out, wordlessly asking for the comfort they’re both clearly aching for. He sighs in relief at the warmth and gentle strength of Jensen’s arms wrapping tentatively around him, pulling him close. 

"So, do I know how to kill the mood, or what?" Cordell tries to joke. 

Jensen doesn't laugh though, just squeezes even tighter where his arms are curled around Cordell's waist, like he's afraid the world will tear them apart if he lets go. 

"Don't worry about it," Jensen murmurs. "I just need to know you're okay. Did I hurt you? Did I-" 

"You didn't," Cordell cuts in, finally pulling away enough to meet Jensen's eyes. “I’m alright. I just remembered something and my head got caught up in a- uh- in a weird place. That’s all. I swear, I’m good.” He leans in and slides his hand over Jensen’s cheek, then presses a kiss to his lips. 

Jensen places his hand over Cordell’s and gently pulls it away, then threads their fingers together. “Maybe you shouldn’t have let me in on your tell,” he says softly. 

“My what?” 

“Your-” Jensen begins, then pauses as he turns Cordell’s hand over so that his palm is facing up. “When you’re lying. Your tell.” He smooths his thumb over Cordell’s sweat-slicked palm and shakes his head. “Please, Cord. Tell me the truth. You promised me- you swore you always would.” 

“I’ve never told a soul about this,” Cordell says quietly. “Not even Emily.” 

“You can trust me,” Jensen urges when Cordell remains quiet for a few long moments. “You know you can.” 

“I was nineteen when I got transferred to Delaram,” Cordell begins hesitantly. These memories have been buried so deep for so long that it almost feels like he’s telling someone else’s story -- like all of this happened to someone else; some other nameless, faceless kid who only ever wanted to do good and make a difference in the world. 

“He was… thirty, I think,” Cordell continues. “Just turned thirty. And he was my commanding officer. You probably know where this is going.” 

“Jesus. Cordell, did he…?” Jensen exhales quietly and rubs his hand over the back of his neck, seemingly unable to even bring himself to say the words out loud. 

“No,” Cordell hurriedly replies. “I mean, not really? In some fucked-up way, part of me actually cared about him. But I- I was thousands of miles away from home and most of the time I felt so out of place, like I couldn’t even tell up from down.” He exhales slowly, surprised by the sense of relief washing over him, of finally telling this secret he’d kept locked away for so long. “But I did know- I mean, I knew- when your commanding officer calls you into his office and tells you to take off your clothes, you don’t say no. It’s just not an option.” 

Jensen inhales sharply and licks his lips like he’s going to say something, but when he remains silent, Cordell continues, “I understand if this changes how you feel about me.” He says this evenly, even though the thought of losing Jensen settles like a brick in the pit of his stomach. 

Cordell lowers his eyes and chews on his lip, wondering vaguely if this is what will deepen the cracks enough that he finally crumbles; then Jensen will realize how truly damaged he is inside. 

“What?” Jensen blurts out, eyes widening. “No. No- Cordell. No,” he repeats, gathering Cordell’s hands between his own. “You were a _teenager_. I’m just- I wish I knew who this guy was so I could rip his fucking throat out for hurting you like that.” 

Cordell huffs out a quiet laugh, surprised at the intensity of Jensen’s reaction. “We were stationed together there for three months. I never saw him again after that.” 

Jensen nods and presses his lips together, his forehead still creased with worry. Cordell’s entire adult life has been spent caring for the people he loves; protecting them as best as he could. It’s startling to see that flipped upside-down, to have someone who cares about him and wants to protect him just as fiercely. 

“Do I remind you of him?” Jensen asks hesitantly, almost as though he doesn’t want to hear the answer. 

“Not at all,” Cordell shakes his head. “It was just your- when you held my arm down, I...” he trails off, unsure how to explain the reaction that Jensen had inadvertently triggered. 

“I won’t do it again,” Jensen hurriedly replies. “Not ever, I swear. I’m so sorry.”

Cordell shakes his head again. “It’s okay. You didn’t mean to. I know that.” 

“It doesn’t change the way I feel about you,” Jensen says. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m falling for you... so hard. And I don't usually- I just don’t let myself do that. But there’s something different about you. About us.” 

Cordell nods and swallows thickly, his eyes sliding shut as he settles into Jensen’s arms once again. His hands are still trembling a little, but he feels himself gradually begin to relax into the warmth and strength of Jensen’s embrace. He’s suddenly exhausted all over, and doesn’t protest when Jensen carefully guides him to lie back on the bed and pulls the sheet up to his torso. 

“Do you need a minute alone?” Jensen asks. 

“Absolutely not,” Cordell smiles faintly, watching silently as Jensen pulls back the covers and spreads out beside him. 

Outside, the drizzling rain is still pattering against the bedroom window like a low, constant murmur. Cordell gratefully closes his eyes and lets the sound further soothe him all the way to the brink of sleep.


	10. Still Looking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cordell takes control to overcome past trauma.

When Cordell opens his eyes, the bedroom is bathed in the pale blue glow of moonlight. 

The rain has stopped; only the hum of cicadas far in the distance and the soft rustle of the wind in the trees are cutting through the quiet blanket of night. His gaze naturally sweeps over to where Jensen is stretched out beside him, curled up halfway on his side and sleeping peacefully, his chest rising and falling rhythmically in a slow, even cadence. 

He's stunning – his sleep-mussed hair shining under the moonlight, the night casting shadows over the strong, angled lines of his face and jaw. Cordell quietly watches him for a few more moments before his heart twists in his chest at a sudden and inexplicable surge of emotion. He reaches out and gently rests his hand on Jensen’s shoulder, then slowly drags his palm down the length of his arm and to his wrist. 

Jensen stirs but doesn’t wake, just mumbles something unintelligible as his lashes flutter high on his cheeks. Cordell smiles, remembering how he’d been caught watching Jensen sleep that morning after they’d first met. Jensen had been little more than a stranger to him then; it seems like so incredibly long ago. It hasn’t been easy -- navigating this ever-evolving, all-consuming thing between them -- but Cord knows for certain now that Jensen is worth it. 

Jensen blinks his eyes open and smiles at Cordell through half-lidded eyes. “Hey,” he murmurs, his voice rough with sleep. “What time’s it?” 

“I have no idea,” Cordell grins. 

“Are you hungry? Do you-” He stops abruptly when Cordell shifts over and presses his lips against Jensen’s. 

Jensen hums in agreement as Cordell pushes to deepen the kiss, dragging his tongue along Jensen’s bottom lip to coax his mouth open. Jensen’s hands come up to grip at Cordell’s shoulders as they kiss for a few more moments. Cordell lowers his head and kisses Jensen’s jaw, then down to his Adam’s apple and further down to the slight hollow between his collarbones. When he inhales deeply against the warm skin there, his head swims pleasantly at the safe, familiar scent of Jensen filling his senses. 

“Cordell,” Jensen mumbles. “Hey- timeout for a second. Are you sure you’re-”

“I’m good,” Cordell says before Jensen finishes asking the question. “I promise,” he adds as he offers Jensen a steady and dry palm to inspect. 

Jensen smiles and takes Cordell’s hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it. “Do you wanna maybe… I mean, I can go either way,” he remarks, somewhat vaguely. “I just thought- I thought it’s what you wanted, too.” 

“It was,” Cordell replies. “It- it is." 

Jensen silently tracks his movements as Cordell peels away the covers and then shifts over on the mattress, throwing one long leg over Jensen’s thighs to straddle his waist. His eyes widen and his mouth falls slightly open as Cordell grabs a hold of his own half-hard dick and gives it a firm squeeze at the base, then slides his fingertips further back to cradle his balls. The absolute roller-coaster of emotions over the last several hours have left Cordell with a warm, steady thrum of arousal pooling at the base of his spine, growing hotter and more insistent with each moment that passes. A shiver courses through his body as his own touch sends a rush of heated blood straight down to his cock. 

“I want you, Jensen,” Cordell breathes. “I want you to fuck me.” 

Jensen surges upright with a groan, grabbing Cordell around the waist as he wraps his other fist around Cordell’s straining length. When their mouths come crashing together again, it’s all lips, teeth and tongues; gasping breaths as Jensen reaches blindly for the bottle of lube on the bedside table. He flicks open the cap and squirts too much of the clear liquid out onto his fingers before sliding them along the cleft of Cordell’s ass. 

The angle is a little awkward, but Cordell drapes his arms over Jensen’s shoulders and shifts closer as Jensen’s fingers breach his entrance. He begins to work them in and out right away, the thick digits catching and dragging against the thin, sensitive skin around the rim on every stroke. A moan tears from Cordell’s throat when Jensen’s fingertips find his sweet spot again and he instinctively thrusts against them, chasing after more of that incredible sensation. 

“Jensen,” Cordell grits out impatiently. “I’m ready. C’mon.” 

They both reach for the condoms, but Cordell manages to get there first. With trembling hands, he hurriedly tears open the foil and rolls the latex down onto Jensen’s hard, blood-thick cock. Jensen lifts his eyes then to meet Cordell’s and they both take pause for a moment, the unspoken trust and understanding almost palpable in the air between them. 

Cordell draws in a deep, calming breath and pushes up just enough to reach back and guide Jensen’s cock against his opening. He drops his hips slowly, pushing the thick, rounded head past his body’s natural resistance. Cordell drops his forehead against Jensen’s and sinks in deeper, all the way in until he settles in Jensen’s lap. Jensen curls one arm around Cordell’s torso and brings the other hand up to slide across his cheek, urging him to lift his head enough for their eyes to meet once again. 

It’s incredibly intimate – more than it’s ever been between them – and for a moment neither of them speaks, or moves, or does anything but breathe one another in. Their hearts are beating in rapid tandem, bodies connected in every possible way as Cordell just barely rolls his hips, and the sensation of Jensen’s stiff length throbbing inside him sends a white-hot spark of pleasure racing down his spine. Cordell gasps softly as goosebumps rise up over his flesh in response. 

“Are you okay?” Jensen asks, gently rubbing his hand up and down Cordell’s back. 

“Better than,” Cordell easily replies. He drags his hands along Jensen’s shoulders and down to his biceps, loving the way the strong, lean muscles feel under his palms when he grips them tight. 

Jensen smiles then, silently sweeping his eyes over Cordell’s face to study it. Since the moment they first met, Jensen has always looked at Cordell like this; and it becomes startlingly clear in this moment just how much they were meant to cross paths that fateful night at a bar in the middle of nowhere. 

Every inch of Jensen’s body is tangled together with Cordell’s, his cock fully sheathed inside him and stretching him wide, but Cord still craves more. He catches his lip between his teeth and ventures another tentative roll of his hips, but it’s just not enough. Sensing Cordell’s frustration, Jensen leans back just enough to rest his weight on an outstretched palm pressed to the mattress behind him. He slides his other hand around to rest on Cordell’s hip and helps to gently guide his movements as they begin to rock against each other. 

It takes a few moments, but they soon settle into a perfect rhythm of give and take, bodies meeting thrust for thrust as Jensen bucks into the tight heat of Cordell’s body over and over again. As they gradually increase the depth of their movements, Jensen is suddenly nailing Cordell’s prostate on every thrust and the surge of pleasure is indescribable, sending sparks like static electricity rippling under every inch of his skin. Cordell’s eyes snap open wide at the sensation of Jensen’s palm swiping through the pre-come leaking from his swollen cock-head. 

“Cord,” Jensen says hoarsely. “I’m so close- I can’t…” he trails off and moans brokenly, now frantically working Cordell’s hard flesh in his hand. 

Jensen’s name tears from Cordell’s throat a split-second before his body seizes tight, his cock jerking as the first spurt of his release shoots hot and wet between them. That’s all it takes to shove Jensen over the edge as well and he comes with a choked-off grunt, pushing impossibly deeper as his cock swells bruise-tight inside Cordell’s spasming channel. They keep moving together until the sensations become too much and even then, Jensen pushes himself upright and curls his arms tight around Cordell’s torso, turning to rest a cheek against his sweat-slicked shoulder. 

Cordell is still breathing unevenly as his eyes fall shut and he drapes his arms around Jensen’s shoulders again. He can feel Jensen’s softening flesh slipping from his body, but his arms and legs are lead-heavy and he can’t really find the motivation to move, especially not when Jensen is still rubbing slow, soothing circles against the small of his back. Finally, Jensen lifts his head and looks up at Cordell silently for a moment before smiling and tilting his chin up to brush their lips together. 

“You’re amazing, you know that?” Jensen murmurs. “How’d I get so lucky?” 

It’s on the tip of Cordell’s tongue to protest, but the truth is they’re probably both incredibly blessed to have found one another. He licks his lips and is about to speak, when his stomach rumbles loudly.

“C’mon, Cowboy,” Jensen grins, patting his ass cheek. “Let’s get you something to eat.” 

They move into the bathroom to clean up, stealing a few touches and kisses before finally getting dressed and heading into the kitchen. A quick glance at the clock surprises Cordell in that it’s not as late as he thought it was -- just half past eight. He watches Jensen pull open the refrigerator and take out a tray of raw steaks and his mouth immediately waters at the sight of them. 

“And he cooks, too?” Cordell drawls, taking the beer that Jensen hands him and twisting the cap off.

Jensen laughs and shakes his head. “I’m not much of a cook, but there’s a grill out back. Looks like the weather cleared up, too. You up for it?” 

“Sounds great,” Cordell agrees. He tilts his head back, eyes sliding shut as he takes a long drink of beer and the cold liquid soothes his throat on the way down.

When they step outside, the grass and trees are still damp from the earlier rain, the fresh and earthy scent of it still lingering in the chilly night air. Jensen had turned the back porch light on, but the pale yellow glow of it is barely noticeable several yards away where the barbecue grill and picnic table are.

Cordell settles on the bench, then leans back against the edge of the table to look up at the sky. He marvels for a few peaceful moments at the countless stars scattered across the ink-black darkness. He’s been away from Austin for so long that he’d forgotten this sense of comfort and familiarity that comes with being home. 

He glances over at the familiar, vaguely soothing pop and sizzle as Jensen flips the steaks on the grill. Jensen tilts his beer bottle to let some of the amber liquid trickle out over the meat. A bright orange flame blooms, illuminating the darkness around them. It’s gone much too soon, leaving just a few wisps of smoke curling into the evening sky.

Jensen smiles as he sets their plates down on the table and slides onto the bench across the table from Cordell. 

“Mmm,” Cordell nods appreciatively at the first delicious bite. “You remembered how I like my steak.” 

“Practically still alive?” Jensen grins. “Yeah. I remembered.” 

It’s quiet and comfortable between them as they eat for a few moments. Jensen breaks the silence with a quiet, thoughtful sound deep in his throat. “Hey, y'know I meant what I said before,” he begins. “Sometimes I just stop and wonder how I got so lucky. Finding you, I mean. Just- out of all the places you could’ve been that night, you were there. Right where I was.” 

Cordell smiles faintly and sets his fork and knife down before responding. “That was- probably one of the lowest points in my life and you…” he shakes his head. “You saved me. I know that sounds… dramatic,” he scoffs, “but you didn’t give up on me, and I think that makes me the lucky one.” 

Jensen licks his lips and then lowers his eyes as a smile spreads across his face. It’s too dark for Cordell to be sure, but he could swear there’s a flush of embarrassment coloring those freckled cheeks. “I saw you,” Jensen admits. “As soon as I came in and let the bartender know I was there for a meeting with the owner. I saw you sitting there at the bar, swirling that glass of whiskey, and I thought…” 

Cordell tilts his head curiously, admittedly surprised at Jensen’s revelation. He’d assumed that Jensen only noticed him when he was on his way out, and that’s why he’d asked Cordell if he needed a ride home. 

“Well, aside from thinking that you were hot,” Jensen chuckles, “I thought- This seems like a guy who maybe- needs to know that the world isn’t as fucked-up as it seems. That maybe there’s some light out there… in all this darkness.” 

“Jensen,” Cordell begins quietly. He chews on his lip, momentarily lost for words. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say.” 

“You don’t have to say anything.” Jensen’s forehead creases, deep in thought. “Just know that I’m- that I will never give up on us.” 

Cordell nods and swallows hard around the emotion tightening his throat. “Me too,” he manages to say. 

Jensen’s hands are warm and steady as he slides them across the table to grab a hold of Cordell’s hands, wrapping them up between his own. He squeezes them softly and then rises to his feet, circling around to the other side of the table to straddle the bench beside Cordell’s hip. When their lips come together again, it’s relaxed and unhurried; sweet in a way that sends a steady warmth blooming throughout Cordell’s body. 

After a few moments, Cord drops his forehead to rest against Jensen’s shoulder and lets his eyes slide shut. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Anything.” 

Cordell lifts his head to meet Jensen’s eyes. “I don’t want you to treat me different ‘cause of everything that’s- ‘cause of what I’ve been through. I thought for a long time that I was broken… and maybe I am, I don’t know…” he trails off, unsure what exactly he’s asking for. 

“Maybe you just needed someone to help you figure out how to put the pieces back together,” Jensen replies. He smiles faintly and slides his hand over Cordell’s cheek. Cordell nods and instinctively leans into Jensen’s touch as a sense of peace settles over him. A comfortable silence settles between them as they finish up dinner under an endless expanse of stars stretched across the night sky.


	11. Rewrite the Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen helps Cordell sort out his conflicting feelings about being away from home, and away from his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally complete in 11 Chapters! :)

Cordell watches the stone skip several times across the lake’s smooth surface, leaving ripples of reflected moonlight in its wake before the water evens out and settles again. He pulls his knees up closer to his chest, then sifts absently through the rocks at the lake’s edge before finding another flat, smooth pebble to repeat the same motion. He’s lost track of how long he’s been out here, but the clear, starry sky is still blue-black, the night air still crisp and cool against his skin. 

He’d woken up feeling vaguely unsettled and a little anxious. Watching Jensen sleep had proven to be interesting for a few minutes before Cordell felt restless. He struggled with bouts of insomnia his entire life -- sometimes for long stretches at a time -- and he always somehow found his way back to some sense of normalcy, just as the surface of water always settles when it’s disturbed.

Cordell’s eyes snap up at the quiet sound of the door to the back porch opening, Jensen’s footfalls following soon after. He glances over his shoulder and smiles faintly as Jensen approaches and eases himself down onto the grassy slope beside him. 

“Hey,” Cordell says quietly. “I didn’t mean to wake you. Just had some trouble sleeping.” 

“It’s okay,” Jensen shrugs. “Did you- I mean, do you want to be alone?” 

Cordell shakes his head and unconsciously makes a soft, content sound deep in his throat when Jensen curls an arm protectively around his shoulders. “I’m really happy,” Cordell remarks. “Being here, with you.” 

Jensen hums softly in agreement and lifts his hand to gently thread his fingers through the longer strands of hair on the back of Cordell’s head, just above the nape of his neck. “Is that what’s keeping you up?” he asks softly, a hint of teasing in his voice. “Cause I can try to dial back the happiness on my end if you need me to.” 

Cordell chuckles and shakes his head, letting his eyes fall shut as Jensen continues to absently twist his fingers through Cord’s hair. “I guess maybe I feel like I don’t deserve it,” he quietly admits. 

Jensen nods and takes a deep breath, but he doesn’t say anything for a few moments. “Why do you think that?” he finally asks. 

“Because of the way I left,” Cordell says, his voice barely more than a whisper. “My kids lost their mother and instead of being there for them... I got up and left.” He sighs deeply and lowers his eyes. “I know they’re still trying to pick up the pieces. If they’re not happy, then I sure as hell shouldn’t be, either.” 

“You had to though, didn’t you?” Jensen frowns. “This undercover thing- you got your orders and you followed them.” 

Cordell shakes his head, feeling a sense of relief at finally admitting this to someone else, and especially, to himself. “I had a choice. I was… I was drinking way too much, blowing up at them over every little thing… I felt like I was doing them a favor by leaving. Giving them a chance to heal without me constantly knocking down everything they were trying to rebuild.”

Jensen leans in closer and silently slides his arms around Cordell’s torso, pulling him close and giving him a warm, reassuring hug. “I understand,” he says simply. “You thought it was the right thing to do.” 

“It wasn’t, though,” Cordell murmurs as he pulls away enough to meet Jensen’s eyes. “Was it?” 

“I think only you can answer that,” Jensen says thoughtfully. “Maybe it was at the time, but it’s been months now. Your kids probably just want their dad back.” 

Cordell inhales deeply and nods, even though the thought of going back home to them is more terrifying than it should be. “I was never as good with them as Em was,” he sighs. “I mean, yeah I played with them when they were little. Taught Augie how to throw a football. Helped Stella with her algebra. But I was always working late, always wrapped up in one thing or another, trying to be the hero.” 

“It doesn’t have to be that way now,” Jensen assures him. “And maybe just being there will be enough.” 

“Yeah, maybe,” Cordell replies absently. He lifts his gaze to focus on the dark silhouette of the mountains far in the distance, as Jensen presses a soft, warm kiss to his temple. 

“Will you tell me more about them?” Jensen quietly asks. “August and Stella? Emily, too?” 

Cordell licks his lips, admittedly surprised at the question. When he remains silent for just a beat too long, Jensen continues. 

“You almost never talk about them, and I- I didn’t want to push, but…”

“This is gonna sound crazy, but I think a part of me didn’t want you to be jealous,” Cordell says thoughtfully. It doesn’t entirely make sense, but if Jensen had noticed it, he had clearly been unconsciously avoiding the topic. 

Jensen’s forehead creases in thought for a moment before he shakes his head. “I will never be jealous of the relationship you have with your kids, Cordell. I promise you that. You’ll always be their dad, first and foremost. And I would never try to get in the way of that.” 

“Thank you,” Cordell says earnestly, thinking for a few moments as a soft, fond smile tugs at his lips. “They’re good kids. I probably can’t take much credit for that, but they are,” he laughs softly. “August loves comic books and video games… but what fourteen year old kid doesn’t, right? Stella loves to read and she loves music, too. Oh and she plays soccer, just like her momma did.”

“Soccer,” Jensen remarks. “You must be really proud of her. Seeing her follow in her mom’s footsteps like that.” 

Cordell nods and forces a smile despite the pang of guilt in his chest, knowing how many of Stella’s games he’s probably missed by now. “Emily even played in college, but she got injured her junior year.” 

“What was she like?” Jensen asks quietly. 

“She was… tiny,” Cordell chuckles. “Five four and a hundred ten pounds soaking wet. But my God, could she chew my ass out if I ever got on her bad side.” 

Jensen laughs and shakes his head fondly. “I kinda wish I could’ve seen that,” he remarks.

“She was…” Cordell begins slowly, growing serious. “She was an incredible mother. It’s like she was made for it, you know? Always knew the right thing to do when it came to the kids. She was good and kind and didn’t- she didn’t deserve what happened to her.” 

“I’m so sorry you lost her,” Jensen says as he gently squeezes Cordell’s shoulder. “It sounds like she was an amazing person.” 

Cordell exhales shakily around the emotion tight in his chest. “I never thought I could feel that way about anyone else,” he quietly admits. 

“You feel guilty,” Jensen says, more statement than question. He absently slips his fingertips beneath Cordell’s collar to gently soothe his thumb across the tension tightening the muscle there. “I see it in your eyes, sometimes.” 

“I’m sorry,” Cordell murmurs. “I can’t help it. I think about when you and I were having breakfast together that day. I swear, it’s like we had been friends -- or something more -- our entire lives. How do you explain feeling that way about someone you just met?” 

“I don’t know,” Jensen says thoughtfully. “I felt it too. I was afraid to admit it at first, but I did.” When Cordell remains silent, Jensen continues, “But I don’t think that diminishes what you had with Emily -- try not to see it that way. She’ll always be an important part of your life. Nothing that you and I have between us will ever take away from that.” 

Cordell nods and leans gratefully against the curve of Jensen’s body, a million thoughts swirling in his head, his stomach wound tight with uncertainty. “I don’t know what to do,” he sighs. “I just don’t wanna screw things up with them again.” 

“What do you think Emily wanted for you?” Jensen asks. “Don’t think too hard, just tell me the first thing that comes to your mind.” 

“For- for me to be happy,” Cordell replies. “For me to be someone that my family would be proud of.” 

“Is that who you’ll be if you continue down this path you’re on?” Jensen asks quietly. 

Cordell shakes his head, admittedly amazed at how much clarity Jensen has brought to the situation just by asking the right questions; questions that Cordell had been afraid to ask himself. “No. Not unless I go back home.” 

“Listen to the people who love you,” Jensen remarks. “We only have your best interests in mind.” He stops abruptly and licks his lips, shaking his head as an embarrassed laugh escapes his lips. “I’m sorry, that was weird. Rewind please, and forget I said that.” 

A smile spreads across Cordell’s face as he puts just enough space between them to meet Jensen’s eyes. There’s a slight flush of pink across the bridge of Jensen’s nose and high on his cheeks, but he’s smiling and still looking at Cordell the way he always has -- like Jensen’s entire world begins and ends with him. 

“I will if you want me to,” Cordell says evenly. “Do you want me to?”

“Maybe not,” Jensen half-asks. 

Cordell scoffs and rolls his eyes. “Jensen, if you don’t know how much I love you by now, clearly you haven’t been paying attention.” 

A genuine laugh bursts from Jensen’s throat as he rubs his hand over his cheek, seemingly still a little embarrassed. He pulls Cordell closer and kisses him softly, cradling his face in both of his warm, steady hands for a few moments before settling again at Cordell’s side. 

Time continues on silently, only the quiet rustle of the wind in the trees filling the crisp night air between them. Just when Cordell is about to suggest they head back inside and try to get some sleep, a barely-there glow of pale gold peeks up over the mountain tops far in the distance. Cordell turns his eyes up to the sky, grateful for the strength of Jensen’s love and the promise of a new day welcoming him home.


End file.
